Warning Signs for Trouble in Your Marriage

​Making the decision to end a marriage is one of the most difficult decisions that anyone can make, especially when there are children involved. Many people go back and forth – thinking about divorce and then talking themselves out of it. The average person takes 7 years to make the decision to end their marriage.

There are good reasons not to divorce. Divorce is stressful, expensive and changes you and your children’s lives in a profound way. I always encourage my clients not to divorce, if possible. But while many people focus on the negative impact of divorce, there’s a negative impact to staying in a marriage if there’s a lot of fighting or one or both partners are unhappy. While good marriages go through ups and downs, there are important issues to be aware of to indicate if there’s real trouble in your marriage. Recognizing these warning signs is crucial for taking the necessary steps to either try to address the underlying problems or make the decision to divorce. Here are some common warning signs and what you can do about them.

1. Communication breakdown
Good communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship. When communication starts to break down, it can create distance and misunderstandings. Pay attention to warning signs such as constant arguments, defensiveness, ignoring each other, or difficulty in expressing feelings. If poor communication continues, anger and resentment can build up. But there are ways to improve communication such as enlisting the help of a couples’ therapist, joining a couples retreat or starting individual therapy. John Gottman has authored helpful books (such as The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work) and has developed many resources for couples who are struggling. If you’ve tried some of these techniques and it hasn’t helped or one of the partners isn’t willing to get help, that’s a sign that your marriage may be in trouble.

2. Lack of intimacy and connection
Intimacy and connection are essential aspects of a strong marriage. If you notice a prolonged decrease in physical intimacy, emotional closeness, or feel disconnected from your partner, it can be something to be concerned about. It may be difficult to talk about this with your partner. But it’s important to address this issue with your spouse openly and honestly. Consider scheduling dedicated quality time together, exploring new ways to connect, or seeking guidance from a therapist specializing in relationships and intimacy.

3. Loss of trust
Trust is extremely important in relationships. Infidelity, addiction and hiding important things from your partner impact trust in marriages. Although it’s difficult to regain trust after these experiences, many couples do. But it takes a ton of work. Rebuilding trust takes time and work from both partners. Patience, forgiveness and a commitment to rebuilding the relationship is key. But many couples are not able to forgive and move forward from infidelity or addiction.

4. Neglecting self-care and personal growth
A healthy marriage requires individuals who prioritize self-care and personal growth. This means that each partner must put aside their own needs to support the other at times. For example, if you need to work out or play an instrument or volunteer to feel emotionally healthy, your partner must understand and support that. If you or your partner neglect taking care of yourself, it can lead to resentment and dissatisfaction within the marriage.

5. Lack of shared goals and values
Shared goals and values provide a sense of purpose and direction in a marriage. Do you both want children? Is religion important to you? Do you want to be financially successful? Is it important to have down time and focus on experiencing life? If you’ve had conversations about your life goals and you can’t come to agreement, tension and conflict can develop. Consider engaging in couples counseling to determine if you can work through your differences.

Recognizing the warning signs in your marriage is the first step towards making the difficult decision to divorce. Many couples go through difficult times but if there’s a longer-term pattern of trouble in the marriage, it may be a warning sign that your marriage is in serious trouble. While no one wants to divorce, it may be a better option than staying in an unhealthy situation. Every situation is different. You can take other’s opinions into consideration but in the end, only you know what’s the best decision for you.