Co-Parenting Isn't About Being Friends With Your Ex

In order to co-parent effectively, you don't have to be friends with your ex. But you do have to have a respectful, working relationship with your children’s other parent so that you can create a healthy, stable environment for your children.Successful co-parenting is built on respect, consistency, communication, and emotional discipline.

Co-parents need to make decisions based on children's needs rather than feelings about the former spouse. This can be difficult for some co-parents because of things that happened in the past. Divorce can leave people feeling anger, disappointment, resentment, or hurt by your ex. In many cases it’s not easy to let go of what happened in the past, but in order to co-parent effectively, parents need to find a way to do just that.

Think about co-parenting as a business partnership. You and your ex are no longer romantic partners, but you’re still connected through your children. It’s a different relationship and calls for a shift in your mindset. This shift can take time and work to develop, but the sooner you make that shift, the better it will be for your kids.Like any successful partnership, co-parenting works best when there are clear expectations, healthy boundaries, and a shared focus on the desired outcome. In this case, that outcome is your child's well-being.

Before sending a text, responding to a request, or making a parenting decision, ask yourself one simple question:

Does this serve my child?

When parents use this filter, many conflicts become easier to navigate. It becomes less about proving a point, revisiting old hurts, or trying to change the other person and more about creating stability and security for their children.

This doesn't mean your feelings don't matter. Whatever you’re feeling, your emotions deserve attention and support. It will help you co-parent more effectively if you have a way to process your feelings such as working with a therapist or coach, joining a support group or finding a healthy outlet where you can get your feelings out. 

In order to process your feelings, you need to recognize and name your feelings. Slow yourself down and ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now?” You could be really angry at your ex for doing this to you or sad that you won’t have the future you thought you would have. You could feel a number of different feelings. Maybe you’re frustrated that your ex didn’t ever apologize. Or you feel ashamed that your marriage failed. Whatever you’re feeling, write it down, name it and continue to explore all of your feelings.

The next step is to ACCEPT your feelings. This is extremely important - don’t criticize minimize or negate your feelings. them. You may think:

“I feel so angry but I know I shouldn’t.”
“I’m such a baby, I shouldn’t feel that way.”
“My ex always told me that my feelings are too much. I don’t have a right to feel this way.”

Know that feelings aren’t wrong, they just are. Start to own your feelings and get curious about them. Why are you feeling this way? Where do they come from? What in your past, possibly your childhood, impacts the way you feel?

Find ways to soothe yourself - self-talk is one way to do it. Talk to yourself as if you were a good friend. Tell yourself that it’s not only ok to feel your feelings, but it’s understandable. Know that in time it won’t be as hard - it will get better. Take deep breaths, listen to soothing music, spend time in nature, laugh, cry, exercise, write your thoughts in a journal. Do whatever you need to do to physically release your emotions.

If you can process your emotions, and eventually release them, you can take them out of the middle of your co-parenting relationship and be a successful co-parent. Not only will this be good for your children, this will allow you to move forward and have a happier post-divorce life.

Your children don't need you to be friends with your ex.They need you to be child-focused, intentional, and committed to creating a stable foundation in both homes.

NOTE: Justin Milrad and I wrote The Co-Parenting Playbook: Proven Strategies for Navigating Divorce, Conflict, and Raising Thriving Kids. We created a practical guide filled with communication tools, real-life examples, scripts, and strategies that parents can use when co-parenting feels overwhelming.I

f you're struggling to communicate with your co-parent, manage conflict, or create more stability for your children, The Co-Parenting Playbook can help.

​Get your copy here: https://a.co/d/0aiISG15