Doing IT ALL in Divorce and How to Let Go of the Resentment

When couples divorce, there's a lot to do. And there’s usually one person who takes charge of that work. Many times the one who paid the bills, scheduled the kids’ doctor appointments, and kept the household running is that person - researching mediators, gathering financial documents, coming up with parenting plans, and trying to find creative solutions while the other spouse seems to resist, delay, or avoid responsibility.

If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many couples who are divorcing don't split the work of divorce evenly. And it’s completely understandable to feel frustrated, resentful, and exhausted. But there’s a difference between feeling resentment and being stuck in it. That difference will determine how peaceful or painful your divorce becomes.

Why This Happens
Divorce magnifies pre-existing dynamics. If you were the “organizer” or “fixer” in the marriage, those traits carry over to your divorce. Your ex’s avoidance or denial doesn’t suddenly disappear just because the marriage is ending. In fact, it often gets worse, leaving you to shoulder the emotional and logistical weight. You may also feel pressure to “hold it all together” for your children and to make sure the process stays on track and that their lives stay as stable as possible.

That pressure can be heavy. But you can be the steady one without being the one who carries it all.

The Trap of Fairness
Many people in your position find themselves stuck in the thought: “Why should I have to do all the work when they don’t care enough to help?” That feeling is valid. But holding on to the idea that it should be fair keeps you locked in a power struggle with someone who’s not playing by the same rules.

The energy you spend resenting your ex is energy you could use to create a smoother, calmer process for yourself and your children. Letting go of fairness means refusing to let them control your peace of mind.How to

Move Forward Without Resentment.

1. Acknowledge your feelings without judgment.
It’s okay to admit that this feels unfair and lonely. Pretending you’re fine only buries emotions that will resurface later.

2. Reframe your mindset.
​Shift from “I have to do everything” to “I’m taking charge of what matters most.”
Instead of seeing yourself as overburdened, see yourself as empowered to create stability for your children and clarity for your future.

3. Stay solution-focused.
Think about where you’re going. Every document gathered, every parenting schedule drafted, every calm email written are steps toward freedom. Focus on progress, not your ex’s inaction.

4. Protect your energy.
Set boundaries around communication. If you receive a hostile message, pause before responding. In that pause, you may find that you don’t need to respond. Choose calm over chaos for your sake and your children’s.

5. Get support.
You don’t have to carry this alone. A divorce coach or therapist can help you stay grounded, strategize next steps, and release the resentment that keeps you emotionally tied to your ex.

A Shift in Perspective
You may not like it that you have to do it all, but by focusing on the end goal and not what’s fair, you’re choosing peace. The work you’re doing now is not just about dividing assets or signing papers; it’s about building the foundation for your new life.