Divorce is complicated and men are faced with specific issues that they deal with when going through a divorce. Here are 6 guidelines for men who are getting divorced.
1. PLAN AHEAD
Whether you are the one who decided to divorce or not, it’s essential that you have a plan on how you’re going to get through your divorce. You can save thousands of dollars and a ton of time and heartache by having a plan for your divorce process.
Below are some pointers to help you prepare and plan for your divorce:
2. STAY CIVIL WITH YOUR EX
If you're hoping to negotiate your way through your divorce, which is the process that I recommend, it's extremely important to be civil to your soon-to-be-ex (STBX). Put your emotions aside for now and focus on communicate effectively with your STBX.
It's important to stay calm and avoid being provoked by any aggressiveness or hostility. Divorce causes people to become emotional so empathize with your ex and understand that they’re going through a lot. It's also important to watch your tone and keep your anger in check.
Remember, the goal is to make the process as amicable as possible, especially if you have children. By keeping these things in mind, your divorce process will be much less stressful and more likely to produce a favorable result.
3. DON'T MOVE OUT IMMEDIATELY
It’s not pleasant to live with your STBX while you’re going through divorce. Many men will be quick to move out of the marital home because they think that it’s their responsibility to move out and let their children’s mother have the home. But that’s not usually the best solution because in many cases, the court will assume that the first spouse to leave the marital home needs it the least. In addition, moving out makes it more difficult to see your children and get property that you’ve left at the house.
Of course, this isn't always possible or practical. If you and your wife are having difficulty living together, it may be best for everyone if you give her some space by moving in with a friend or relative. But if you can hold out until you have an agreement, you won’t have to worry about access to your children or your property.
4. HAVE A SOLID PARENTING PLAN WITH YOUR STBX
Your parenting plan is the structure for how and when you’ll see your children after you divorce. Many dads don’t realize how important they are to their children and will give their children’s mother more time than they want to. Children need both parents in their lives so make sure that you have a significant amount of time with your children written into the parenting plan.
If you have joint custody of your children, try to make decisions together about their care and education. Respecting each other's parenting styles and schedules is important. By working towards positive co-parenting, you can help your children adjust to the divorce and ensure they have the support they need from both parents.
5. UNDERSTAND YOUR FINANCES
Most people don't think about the financial aspects of divorce until they're in the middle of it. But if you're getting a divorce, it's important to be as prepared as possible financially.
6. NEVER SAY ANYTHING NEGATIVE ABOUT YOUR STBX IN FRONT OF YOUR CHILDREN
When you say something negative about your children’s other parent, it hurts your children. If you really want to put your children as your priority, you will support their relationship with their other parent. Children love both of their parents and don’t want to be caught in the middle.
Studies have shown that children are hurt emotionally when their parents have a bad relationship. Even if your STBX doesn’t communicate well with you, it’s your responsibility to do the right thing. Ignore the negativity, take a break to collect yourself and respond in a respectful way. It takes two people to fight so if you’re not participating in it, it won’t go anywhere. You’ll never regret taking the high road and your kids will benefit.
You are not alone in this process; there are people who can help you through it. Seek out resources like a divorce coach, a therapist and a divorce support group to help you through this difficult time. And remember, the decisions you make during your divorce will impact the rest of your life, so take your time and make sure you make choices that are best for you and your family.
Jill Barnett Kaufman is a Divorce Coach, Therapist, Parent Educator and Divorce Mediator. She is an experienced professional who helps clients discover new ways to resolve a variety of challenges when considering divorce, starting the process of divorce or are already divorced.