When a couple decides to divorce, it's an extremely emotional and challenging time. One of the most important decisions they will make is how to proceed with the separation process. 
 
Many divorcing couples opt for mediation because it is one of the most effective and least expensive divorce processes. If you want to get your spouse on board to mediate your divorce, there are a few things you can do.
 
Focus On How It Can Benefit Both Of You 
There are many benefits of mediation, especially when compared to going to court. Mediation is typically less expensive and quicker than going to court, and it also allows the parties to have more control over the outcome. In addition, mediation can help to preserve relationships and allow the parties to move on with their lives more quickly. 
 
The mediator is impartial and doesn't take sides but facilitates communication and helps the parties find common ground. Because mediation is more collaborative than adversarial, it can often resolve complex issues more quickly and much more effectively than litigating your divorce through the courts.
 
If Your STBX Doesn't Want To Talk, Find Other Ways to Communicate
Divorce can be incredibly challenging when couples are not on speaking terms. In addition to the emotional toll, there can be confusion and misunderstandings. It’s important to find a way to communicate, either through email or text. Let your STBX (soon-to-be-ex) know that 95% of divorces don’t go to trial and that mediation is one of the most effective way to avoid a trial.  An experienced mediator can provide guidance and support throughout the process and offer resources that can help couples resolve their differences.
 
If your STBX is against mediation in the beginning of your divorce, allow for some amount of time to pass before you bring up mediation again. As people learn more about the divorce process and how expensive attorneys are, they usually become more reasonable with respect to mediation.
 
Make It About Your Kids
Trained family mediators can assist you in developing communication and conflict resolution skills during their sessions. This can be extremely helpful after divorce, as both parents must be able to communicate effectively to constructively resolve conflicts for the good of the children.
 
The mediator can help you understand the root causes of the conflict, develop a plan for dealing with future disagreements, and create a parenting plan that is in your child's best interests. With the help of a mediator, you can learn to co-parent effectively and create a healthy environment for your child.
 
Never Force The Issue
It's important to remember that mediation is a process for couples who want to resolve their differences amicably. Trying to force your spouse to participate will only lead to frustration on both sides. Take a step back and let some time pass. Revisit the issue after you both have had time to educate yourselves and understand what your options are.
 
Final Words
Mediation may be the best option for you if you are considering divorce and want to do it in the most amicable way possible. Mediation allows both parties to agree without going to court and often results in a fair settlement for everyone involved. In order to be on the same page as your spouse, it may take time, patience, and education for you to both agree that mediation is the best option for your divorce.

Divorce is a big decision and has an impact on many parts of your life. It's essential to think through both the emotional and practical aspects of divorce before you make the decision to divorce your spouse. The following questions can help you as you come to a decision one way or another.
 
Do I Really Want It?
The first step is to be honest with yourself about why you want to divorce. Are you threatening divorce because you want your spouse to pay attention to you? Do you still love your spouse? Do you have fun with your spouse when you’re alone on vacation?  Are you happier being alone than being with your spouse? If you think that you would be happier with someone else, that might be true, but it isn’t the only thing to consider. Imagine what your life would be like if you were alone - how would that feel? You may meet someone else eventually but you may not. If you would rather be alone than with your spouse, that’s a good indication that something is wrong in your marriage.
 
How Are My Children Going to be Impacted?
Divorce is difficult and many parents don’t get divorced because they think that they’re protecting their children. However, children can be protected from the negative impact of divorce. There are several things that divorcing parents can do to minimize the harm to their children including avoiding conflict, not putting the children in the middle of their parents, never speaking negatively about the other parent and making sure that the children have a support system. Friends, a therapist, teachers, and other community members are all important parts of your children’s support system. If parents put their children first during their divorce, their children can have very happy lives.
 
Will I Be Financially Stable? 
In addition to the emotional stresses of ending a relationship, you also have to deal with the financial realities of dividing assets, determining child support and alimony and paying bills. If you're not prepared, these issues can become overwhelming.
 
Make sure you have a clear understanding of your finances; this means knowing how much money you have coming in each month, your expenses and your assets and liabilities. Knowing about your finances will give you a better idea of what lifestyle you can afford and how your post-divorce life will be. If you are worried about your finances, remember that this is just a temporary setback. With time and patience, you’ll eventually be able to rebuild your life and your financial well-being.
 
Have I Done Everything That I Could?
It’s essential to take a step back and analyze your role in the issues in your marriage. If you're unsure where to start, here are some questions to ask yourself: Have I exhausted all of my options? Have I had an open and loving conversation with my partner? Have I requested counseling and, if it was refused, gone to a therapist alone? Instead of repeating the same old responses and reactions, have I tried to change my behavior? Taking the time to answer these questions honestly can help you better understand your role in the problems in your marriage and see how you can behave differently whether you’re in your marriage or not.
 
Final Thoughts
If you are considering a divorce, it's important to take the time to ask yourself some tough questions. A divorce coach or a therapist can help you navigate these murky waters and make sound decisions that will affect the rest of your life. Don't go through this difficult process alone – talk to someone who can help guide you on your path forward.

There are many myths and misconceptions about divorce, so it's essential to have accurate information when you’re thinking about or going through divorce. This blog post will debunk some of the most common myths and provide facts that will help you manage your feelings during this difficult time.

Myth #1: You'll never be happy again

It’s a common misconception that divorce permanently destroys people's lives and leaves them unhappy. While it’s true that divorce can be a stressful and challenging experience, it does not have to be a life-destroying event. In fact, many people find that they ultimately land in a happier and more fulfilling place after divorce. 
 
If you’re facing divorce, try to keep an open mind and remember that your life is not over. You’ll still have the chance to create the future you want, regardless of what’s happened in the past. With the proper support and perspective, it’s possible to emerge from divorce stronger and more confident.

Myth #2: You can do this on your own

Many people feel shame as they go through divorce and don’t reach out to friends and family for support. This is exactly the opposite of what you should do. You need as much support as possible – friends, family, a therapist, divorce coach, your religious community – anyone who will be supportive and non-judgmental. You don’t have to tell everyone about the divorce. Choose wisely who you can trust and share what you’re going through. You’ll find that will decrease the feelings of shame and you’ll build a supportive community who will help you get to the other side of your divorce.

Myth #3: The marriage failed so you’re a failure

People going through divorce feel like they’ve failed. However, people who go through divorce are some of the strongest people. You're faced with daily obstacles like how to communicate with your soon-to-be-ex (STBX) when they’re not respectful, how to explain difficult topics to your children, how to look for a new place to live and how to manage your emotions so that you can work and take care of your children. Each obstacle you get through is a success and demonstrates how strong you are.

Myth #4: Rushing into a new relationship makes divorce grief easier

One of the biggest myths about divorce is when people think that if they find a new partner, their grief will end. Grief is a process that takes time and if you don’t allow yourself to go through the grieving process, you’re just avoiding and delaying the grief. It's important to give yourself time to grieve the loss of your marriage before jumping into another relationship. The grieving process involves giving yourself the time to feel uncomfortable emotions and expressing those emotions finding by journaling, talking about them with friends or family, or working with a therapist. If you don’t give yourself the time to process your grief, you'll just repeat the same pain and hurt cycle. Once you have given yourself time to grieve and heal, then you can start fresh with someone new when you're emotionally ready.
 
Divorce can be a difficult and isolating experience, but you don't have to go through it alone. There are plenty of resources available to help you through this tough time, including divorce coaches, support groups and therapists. Take advantage of these resources and allow yourself to grieve in a healthy way.

When going through divorce, parents can get swept up in the divorce negotiations and not recognize the impact on their children. It’s important to know how to prioritize your children’s needs as you go through your divorce process. Following are some things to consider:
 
1. Kids can be ok, even in divorced families. The main predictor in positive outcomes for children is how much conflict there is between parents, not whether or not the parents are divorced. Therefore, if you stay in a marriage for the children but there is conflict and tension in the marriage, you’re not helping your children. On the other hand, if you get out of a high conflict marriage and have two happier parents who aren’t in conflict with each other, your children can be better off.

2. Compromise to lessen conflict with your soon-to-be-ex (STBX). If your STBX isn’t being reasonable and your attorney is telling you to fight for what you deserve, choose your battles wisely. Just because your attorney tells you to fight for something, doesn’t mean you should. You have to weigh the negative consequences on your children before you decide to fight with your STBX. For example, many of my clients have had their attorneys push them to do something that increases the conflict with their STBX. Attorneys may not realize the negative emotional impact of conflict on you or your children. Think about your children as you’re negotiating your agreement and, if possible, lessen the conflict.

3. No matter how your STBX treated you, it doesn’t mean they won’t be a good parent. If your STBX treated you poorly during the marriage, it doesn’t mean that they’ll treat your children the same way. Support your children’s relationship with their other parent as long as their other parent is not abusive. If your child is having difficulty with the relationship, you may be tempted to pile on - saying, “Isn’t he/she horrible?” Instead, encourage your children to talk to their other parent about how they feel. 

4. Don’t focus on what’s fair, focus on what’s best for you and your children. There are issues that need to be worked through and it may not feel fair. But you have to compromise on so many things – it rarely feels fair. For example, when you’re going through divorce, it may not feel fair to give 50% custody to a parent who didn’t take on 50% of the childcare before the divorce. However, if both parents are willing to step up, that’s better for your kids. Putting your children’s needs first isn’t always easy but as caring parents it must be the priority. 

Focusing on your children’s needs while you’re going through divorce can take a tremendous amount of self control. Make sure that you’re getting support so that you can think clearly and make decisions that put your children first. You’ll feel better and your children will benefit.

​While the holidays can bring excitement, they can also bring stress, especially when a family is going through divorce. Families struggle around who to spend the holidays with, what traditions to continue and what new traditions to begin.
 
Here are a few tips on how to not only survive the holidays, but create holiday memories that will be happy and long-lasting, even if your family is going through divorce.
 
1) Focus on what’s best for your children
 
Regardless of what each family or divorced parent wants to do, the priority should always be on the children and what’s best for them. This means that if your son or daughter wants to go to your exes’ house to visit grandma, you need to put aside your feelings towards your former partner and be supportive. This can be difficult, as you navigate the sadness, loneliness or other difficult emotions. Take this time to get emotional support from your support system. If you don’t have one, build one by joining a support group, finding a therapist or divorce coach or reaching out to friends and family.
 
Don’t punish your ex or use your children as bargaining chips. If you won’t allow your children to see their other parent during the holidays, and your children want to, you’re hurting your children. Try to carve out some time – maybe an hour or two – for them to see each other. While this is difficult, it is best for your children. And it will create a better co-parenting relationship for the future when you’ll ask something of your ex.
 
2) Have a clear plan

Talk to your ex in detail about what the holiday will look like, the schedule you will stick to as well as pick up and drop off times. Remember there will be a lot of compromise needed from both ends. It may help to write it in an email so that you can refer back to it if necessary. Remember, communication is key for this to work.

3) Prepare your children for the changes

The way that you celebrate this holiday will be unfamiliar to your child which can create stress for him or her. It’s important that you talk to your children and tell them what to expect this year. Unlike other years, this holiday will be split between two homes or it might be spent with one person’s family on Christmas eve and another’s on Christmas day. Ask your children questions – how are you feeling about the holiday? What would make it easier for you? What are you most excited about? What are you least excited about? When children are given the chance to openly talk about their feelings, they feel less anxious. Tell them to have fun with the other parent and to enjoy their time and don’t make your child feel guilty about spending time with your former partner or their family. Reassure them that you will be ok when they’re not with you. The main goal of the holidays is to spend time with your loved ones, and that’s exactly what you should be encouraging your children to do.

4) Have patience with the changes and be kind to yourself

The loss of the intact family will be an adjustment hurt for everyone, but it won’t be as difficult as time passes. As you move forward, you’ll choose which traditions to keep and you’ll make new ones. Children are extremely resilient and will look forward to your new traditions and getting to celebrate with both families in different ways.

Are you dealing with an ex who has a difficult personality? Whether or not your ex has a clinical diagnosis doesn’t really matter - you just know that everything is harder than it needs to be when it comes to interacting with him or her as you go through your divorce. If your ex can be controlling and confident in how they talk to you, you may be concerned that they’re going to get exactly what they want. This can be intimidating! 

Here’s the secret. They can say anything they want but that’s not reality. Just because he or she says something intimidating - like “I’m not paying alimony.” or “You have to move out of the house now!” - it doesn’t mean you have to listen. I’m going to share some important strategies when trying to come to an agreement with an ex who doesn’t know how to compromise. 

Take back your power by implementing boundaries. 

When your ex pressures you and tries to exert power over you, take back your power. This doesn’t happen through matching aggression. You can reclaim your power over the situation by setting a boundary.  

Say “I can’t talk about this right now. I need a break” and walk away.
Or text: “I’m not going to be available for the next hour.” 

Or, you don’t have to respond at all!  Giving yourself the time and space to calm yourself down is powerful. This helps you maintain your integrity in the divorce process, no matter what’s thrown at you. 
​
Don’t take it personally and keep it about your end goal. 

It is crucial to remove the emotion from negotiating your agreement. It truly doesn’t matter what your ex says or thinks about you. It doesn’t matter what they’ve done in the past. That has no bearing on your future apart from them. What will affect your future is the agreement. No matter how your ex behaves, keep in mind that you don’t need your ex to be nice, but you do need a legal agreement.  The legal agreement is your end goal. 

Wait it out while conserving money and energy. 

Your difficult ex may talk confidently and sound like they’re never going to budge. Once their attorney explains what’s realistic and after they see how much money can be wasted on legal fees, they usually become more reasonable. Even though it’s tempting, don’t feel the pressure to get your agreement done as fast as possible.  Be patient. While you’re waiting, you can trust this - people usually get what’s fair according to the courts. After spending money on their attorney and getting frustrated with the process, most people eventually realize that they have to compromise to get through the process. While you’re waiting for this to happen - it can take anywhere from a month to several months - you want to spend the least amount of money and energy. If you don’t rush it, even the most difficult ex will usually come around. Or, the judge will require them to!

Use a mediator

Consider using a mediator to walk you through the process when dealing with a difficult ex. Mediators are trained in interacting with all kinds of people and can be the one to break through to your ex so that they realize that compromise is necessary. 

Find strategies to keep yourself calm 

Divorce is overwhelming and can be exhausting. You need strategies to be able to remain calm. Anytime your ex or their lawyer comes at you in an aggressive manner, it’s difficult. Recognize when you’re overwhelmed and take a step back. You can take back your power when you learn to avoid reacting and think through how you want to respond.  

If you can be patient, keep yourself calm, and think about your long term goals, you’ll reach an agreement with your challenging ex. It may be a difficult journey but it’s worth it in the end!