co-parenting in peace

On average, 40% of all first marriages end in divorce, and over half of those families have children under the age of 18. When you add to that the 57% of millennials choosing to have children outside of a marital union, there are lot of parents who are not living under the same roof. Under the best of circumstances, raising a child is difficult, but when you’re divorced or not living together, it brings a lot of additional challenges.

Ideally, both parents share childcare responsibilities – and the quality of their co-parenting relationship can be characterized by the extent to which they support or fail to support each other. When parents fail to cooperate, it can have consequences for all involved. For years, research has shown that the quality of interaction between separated parents is a strong predictor of the mental health and psychological well-being of children living in this type of family structure and young children especially are at higher risk for anxiety, aggressive behavior, and poor social skills. If you can’t manage to get along, it can cause lasting mental and emotional problems for your kids.

In such situations, having a support network is one of the best things you can do for yourself and your family. All parents going through divorce or separation need supportive people that they can talk to, so they don’t speak to their children about any ill feelings about the other parent.  A therapist, a friend, a family member, a clergy member, or any supportive individual can make the difference between frustration and anger and learning how to manage your emotions.

The following rules an help to build a healthy co-parenting environment:

• Never fight or argue in front of the children.  Fighting in front of children can be extremely damaging to children.  No matter how angry or emotional you are, you are the adult and your role is to protect your children.  If you refrain from fighting in front of them, you are helping your children.
• Never say anything negative about the other parent in front of the children.  Your children love both of you and when you say something negative about one parent, it can significantly impact the children. 
• Both parents must communicate clearly and regularly. Notify each other as soon as possible if a child misses school, is sick, has a schedule change, etc.  Decide together what the preferred method of communication is: text, email, phone, etc.  This will create a better environment for everyone.
• Treat each other as if you were in a business relationship.  Put aside the anger and let go of blaming each other.  Work towards a more formal, respectful relationship.  If one starts being disrespectful – yelling, name calling, bringing up the past – then say, “Let’s take a break, calm down and continue this conversation at another time.”
• Children don’t need to know all the details of the divorce.  Only tell them what you absolutely have to tell them – things that specifically involve them.  Such things may include: who is in charge during what time, future plans, where they are going to live, etc.

Following these rules – even if you’re not on the same page as your ex -  is a gift to your children. They will benefit tremendously from having a secure, reliable relationship with both parents. And if you find that you fall off the wagon sometimes, don’t beat yourself up - the rules aren’t always easy to follow. Admit to your child that you made a mistake, apologize and move on. The gift your child will receive is less anxiety and more stability, as you and your ex work together for their well-being.