4 Clues that your anger is calling the shots in your divorce

Are you in control of your anger, or is your anger controlling you? During divorce, a certain amount of anger is normal and appropriate. But many people get stuck in their anger and have anger be your baseline emotion on a daily basis. When this happens, you may lose touch with your priorities and make poor judgments. Holding onto anger can feel like being in control but it can actually leave you bitter and result in you acting irrationally. Here are some clues that anger has hijacked your decisions during divorce. 

1. You have to get the last word. Anger may be calling the shots if you’re rehearsing one-liners in your head to figure out how to “get your point across.” You wish you could show your ex just how much they hurt you. Your underlying anger wants to “help” you find the way to inflict the most pain by dominating your thinking. 
2. You get angry even when your ex does something nice. Divorce is deeply painful and it’s natural to be angry at your ex for various things. However, one clue that your anger is controlling you is when your ex does something kind and you manage to interpret their actions negatively. When anger is always below the surface, this can affect the way you view the actions of your ex. Anger will cause you to assume the worst about their motivations and actions.
3. You’re exhausted and can’t think clearly. Now there are a lot of reasons you might be exhausted during divorce, but staying angry is definitely one of them. Expending unnecessary energy on constant conflicts with your ex is just going to take away the valuable resource of your energy. Your energy and your time is finite. Letting your anger simmer below the surface every moment during divorce will drain you, moving your focus away from the future with you and your children.
4. Your children are angry. Whether we like it or not, children are mirrors of our emotions. They pick up on cues and reflect them back to the adults in their lives as they try to make sense of the world. If you have noticed that your child is acting out in anger, and having a hard time controlling their negative emotions, this can be a cue to look inward. 

What should you do if your anger has been calling the shots? Letting go of anger in divorce takes work. But identifying that it’s there is a positive first step! Anger usually covers up other emotions like sadness or disappointment. I recommend spending some time trying to get to the root of your anger and letting yourself experience the sadness and other emotions that might be behind the anger. Journaling or therapy are great ways to explore all of your emotions to find out what’s going on behind anger. Also, you can check out my blog - Letting Go of Anger in Divorce - to help you with this process.