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Questions To Consider Before Making The Decision To Divorce

6/25/2022

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Divorce is a big decision and has an impact on many parts of your life. It's essential to think through both the emotional and practical aspects of divorce before you make the decision to divorce your spouse. The following questions can help you as you come to a decision one way or another.
 
Do I Really Want It?
The first step is to be honest with yourself about why you want to divorce. Are you threatening divorce because you want your spouse to pay attention to you? Do you still love your spouse? Do you have fun with your spouse when you’re alone on vacation?  Are you happier being alone than being with your spouse? If you think that you would be happier with someone else, that might be true, but it isn’t the only thing to consider. Imagine what your life would be like if you were alone - how would that feel? You may meet someone else eventually but you may not. If you would rather be alone than with your spouse, that’s a good indication that something is wrong in your marriage.
 
How Are My Children Going to be Impacted?
Divorce is difficult and many parents don’t get divorced because they think that they’re protecting their children. However, children can be protected from the negative impact of divorce. There are several things that divorcing parents can do to minimize the harm to their children including avoiding conflict, not putting the children in the middle of their parents, never speaking negatively about the other parent and making sure that the children have a support system. Friends, a therapist, teachers, and other community members are all important parts of your children’s support system. If parents put their children first during their divorce, their children can have very happy lives.
 
Will I Be Financially Stable? 
In addition to the emotional stresses of ending a relationship, you also have to deal with the financial realities of dividing assets, determining child support and alimony and paying bills. If you're not prepared, these issues can become overwhelming.
 
Make sure you have a clear understanding of your finances; this means knowing how much money you have coming in each month, your expenses and your assets and liabilities. Knowing about your finances will give you a better idea of what lifestyle you can afford and how your post-divorce life will be. If you are worried about your finances, remember that this is just a temporary setback. With time and patience, you’ll eventually be able to rebuild your life and your financial well-being.
 
Have I Done Everything That I Could?
It’s essential to take a step back and analyze your role in the issues in your marriage. If you're unsure where to start, here are some questions to ask yourself: Have I exhausted all of my options? Have I had an open and loving conversation with my partner? Have I requested counseling and, if it was refused, gone to a therapist alone? Instead of repeating the same old responses and reactions, have I tried to change my behavior? Taking the time to answer these questions honestly can help you better understand your role in the problems in your marriage and see how you can behave differently whether you’re in your marriage or not.
 
Final Thoughts
If you are considering a divorce, it's important to take the time to ask yourself some tough questions. A divorce coach or a therapist can help you navigate these murky waters and make sound decisions that will affect the rest of your life. Don't go through this difficult process alone – talk to someone who can help guide you on your path forward.
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You're getting divorced, now what?

3/1/2022

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Making the decision to divorce brings with it so many emotions -  sadness, anger, fear, anxiety, shame just to name a few. And as you’re managing all those emotions, you also need to figure out how to navigate the divorce process, which can be completely overwhelming. So how do you manage your emotions so that you can make logical decisions throughout your divorce process? Consider the following:
  • Get support from friends and family. Friends and family can help you process your emotions and make you feel supported and loved. If you don't have supportive friends and family, a therapist can help you manage your emotions.
  • Meet with an experienced divorce coach. Starting your divorce process with an experienced divorce coach can help you plan out how you’re going to use your other professionals. A divorce coach can guide you through the divorce process and help you determine your goals and priorities and what you want from your divorce. 
  • Don't start your divorce by hiring a divorce attorney. If you hire a divorce attorney, you and your soon-to-be-ex (STBX) can become adversaries. Attorneys feel like it's their role to get you the best deal, they don't focus on what's best for your family. That's what happened in my divorce. Once I hired an attorney, my STBX felt like he had to hire an attorney. We each listened to the advice of our attorneys and lost the control of our divorce. The attorneys started communicating with each other. They charged for every phone conversation, email that they read or sent out and every time they looked over our paperwork. They can go through your money very quickly. 
It’s so important to purposefully walk through your divorce process and not let your divorce process control you. With the right support, you can manage your emotions, develop your goals and priorities and not only survive your divorce process, but thrive and create the next amazing chapter of your life.
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HOw to tell your spouse When you're thinking about divorce ?

1/14/2020

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Marriage isn’t always easy and most, if not all, marriages go through ups and downs. The loss of a job, mourning the loss of a friend or parent or an illness can significantly impact a marriage. In some marriages, neither spouse ever considers divorce. But sometimes one or both spouses may think about divorce.
 
Thinking about divorce is very different from deciding you want a divorce. When you’re just thinking about divorce, you’re not ready to take that step. You may be very angry at your spouse or feel very hurt. You may realize that the stresses that you’re dealing with right now will not last forever. When you spend a night out with your spouse you may get along well and feel hopeful that things will get better. And many times things do get better.
 
In general, unless you’re seriously thinking about divorce, you probably shouldn’t mention it to your spouse. Threats of divorce or leaving a relationship can be damaging to a relationship. If there’s a discussion about divorce every time there is a fight, that can make the relationship emotionally unsafe. Divorce is a loaded word and shouldn’t be overused.  Once you say it, you can’t take it back.
 
Most people who are seriously considering divorce have thought about it for a long time. But when do you talk about it with your spouse? It depends on a lot of factors. Is there abuse in the relationship? Are you concerned that your spouse may do something extreme if you have that discussion? Do you have children? Does your spouse react rationally to stressful situations? All of these things must be considered before you make the decision to talk to your spouse about getting a divorce.
 
One way of navigating this process is to work with a professional – a therapist who can provide a safe place where you can discuss your feelings with your spouse. Ideally you can come to the decision together whether or not to get divorced. Although that’s not always possible, if you’re working with a therapist, you’ll have guidance about how to work together respectfully. You can avoid some post-divorce anger and misunderstanding. This is especially important if there are children involved because children are significantly impacted by their parents’ relationship. 
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is your relationship strong? 5 areas to assess

1/14/2020

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Sometimes you may feel your relationship is going well and other times you may be worried about the strength of your relationship. It can help to take a step back and see what’s working and what’s not. Here are some areas to look at:
 
  1. How do you manage conflict? Every relationship has conflict. The way that you manage conflict is one of the most important factors in assessing your relationship. When one of the partners starts a topic that leads to a conflict – is there a soft startup or does the conversation escalate quickly? Couples that keep emotions in check and soften their response to each other are able to get through the conflict without it escalating. Why do conflicts escalate? Conflicts can trigger emotions from past experiences from childhood or past relationships. In order to avoid an escalation in the conflict – raised voices and defensive or critical statements – it’s helpful to take a 10 – 20 minute break, take some deep, abdominal breathes and calm down.
  2. Is there repair after conflict? After there’s a disagreement, are you willing to empathize with each other and make each other feel heard and understood? Or do you try to avoid each other until you move on. Repair after conflict is another key area for couples to work on.
  3. Do you have fun? Do you use humor, playful teasing and have positive experiences together? If you have things that you like to do together, it helps you feel more connected. Research has shown that humor is a great tool to increase satisfaction in couples.
  4. Are you physically affectionate? Do you hold hands, kiss for more than 6 seconds and touch each other in a loving way? These things are extremely important in relationships. A peck on the cheek is significantly different from a 6 second kiss. Try it!
  5. Do you accept influence from your partner? Do you value their opinion, point of view, who they are? Do you know what your partner’s life goals and dreams are? Accepting influence could be just a short response when having a discussion such as “good point” or “fair enough”. The way that you treat each other in your everyday interactions is a key indicator of your relationship strength.
 
These five areas are important when assessing the strength of your relationship. If you’re doing most or all of these, you’re probably doing pretty well. If you need work on one or more of these areas, don’t be discouraged. These skills can be learned. You can improve the strength of your relationship yourselves or you can always try couples counseling.
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the greatest predictor of divorce: contempt

1/14/2020

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According to John Gottman, founder of The Gottman Institute which is devoted to helping couples build and maintain healthy relationships, the greatest predictor of divorce is contempt. Contempt means attacking your partner’s sense of self with an insult and includes sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, rolling the eyes, sneering, mockery and hostile humor. Some examples:
  • “You’re selfish. You never compromise.”
  • “You’re late. What’s wrong with you? You’re just like your father.”
  • “ You forgot to unload the dishwasher again. You’re so lazy.”
 
These statements are destructive to the relationship and make your partner feel defeated. Avoid these responses at all times. If you’ve said things like this to your partner, you can apologize and start working on eliminating them.
 
People communicate contempt to their partners because of several reasons:
 
  1. There is built up resentment and anger from the past. Do you have things that you’re angry at your partner about from years ago? Do you find it difficult to let that anger go? It’s very hard to be kind to your partner if you’re angry at them. It’s very important to discuss what you’re angry about with your partner. If that’s difficult for you, enlist the help of an individual or couples therapist to help you.
  2. They witnessed their parents being hurtful to each other and thought that was ok. They weren’t taught positive ways to interact with a loved one. Even if a parent never treated you like that, if you witnessed your parents being hurtful to each other, you could end up treating your partner in similar ways.
  3. Their partner treats them with contempt. Two wrongs don’t make a right. Just because your partner isn’t treating you well does not make it ok for you to do the same. Instead, you can put up boundaries with your partner and let them know that you won’t accept them saying hurtful things. Put your hand up and say, “Stop. Please say that in a nicer way.”
 
What do you do when there is contempt when you communicate with your partner? Build respect and appreciation in your relationship. Regularly express the following:
  • Appreciation: “Wow, you cut the grass today. It looks really nice. Thanks for doing that every week.”
  • Gratitude: “I really appreciate that you ask me about my day. It feels really good to come home and know that you care.”
  • Affection: hold hands, kiss for longer than 6 seconds, watch tv while snuggling on the couch, say “I love you” after sex
  • Respect: Show respect even when you’re upset with your partner.
  • “I understand that you have your point of view on this. It would be great if you could try to look at it from my point of view.”
  • “I don’t know if you realize it but when you’re late I feel like you’re not caring about me.”
  • “I know that you don’t mean to upset me but it’s hard for me when you forget to unload the dishwasher.”
 
Five or more positive interactions can counteract one negative interaction. There are simple ways to add positive interactions into your day which has shown to decrease conflict and improve intimacy in couples. Remind yourself of your partners positive qualities. Why did you start dating him or her? What was it about your partner that you fell in love with? If you can keep these things in mind and eliminate contempt, you will be able to have a happier relationship and avoid the path of divorce. ​
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    Author

    Jill Barnett Kaufman is a Divorce Coach, Therapist, Parent Educator and Divorce Mediator. She is an experienced professional who helps clients discover new ways to resolve a variety of challenges when considering divorce, starting the process of divorce or are already divorced. 

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