the greatest predictor of divorce: contempt

According to John Gottman, founder of The Gottman Institute which is devoted to helping couples build and maintain healthy relationships, the greatest predictor of divorce is contempt. Contempt means attacking your partner’s sense of self with an insult and includes sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, rolling the eyes, sneering, mockery and hostile humor. Some examples:

• “You’re selfish. You never compromise.”
• “You’re late. What’s wrong with you? You’re just like your father.”
• “ You forgot to unload the dishwasher again. You’re so lazy.”

 
These statements are destructive to the relationship and make your partner feel defeated. Avoid these responses at all times. If you’ve said things like this to your partner, you can apologize and start working on eliminating them.
 
People communicate contempt to their partners because of several reasons:
 

1. There is built up resentment and anger from the past. Do you have things that you’re angry at your partner about from years ago? Do you find it difficult to let that anger go? It’s very hard to be kind to your partner if you’re angry at them. It’s very important to discuss what you’re angry about with your partner. If that’s difficult for you, enlist the help of an individual or couples therapist to help you.
2. They witnessed their parents being hurtful to each other and thought that was ok. They weren’t taught positive ways to interact with a loved one. Even if a parent never treated you like that, if you witnessed your parents being hurtful to each other, you could end up treating your partner in similar ways.
3. Their partner treats them with contempt. Two wrongs don’t make a right. Just because your partner isn’t treating you well does not make it ok for you to do the same. Instead, you can put up boundaries with your partner and let them know that you won’t accept them saying hurtful things. Put your hand up and say, “Stop. Please say that in a nicer way.”

 
What do you do when there is contempt when you communicate with your partner? Build respect and appreciation in your relationship. Regularly express the following:

• Appreciation: “Wow, you cut the grass today. It looks really nice. Thanks for doing that every week.”
• Gratitude: “I really appreciate that you ask me about my day. It feels really good to come home and know that you care.”
• Affection: hold hands, kiss for longer than 6 seconds, watch tv while snuggling on the couch, say “I love you” after sex
• Respect: Show respect even when you’re upset with your partner.

• “I understand that you have your point of view on this. It would be great if you could try to look at it from my point of view.”
• “I don’t know if you realize it but when you’re late I feel like you’re not caring about me.”
• “I know that you don’t mean to upset me but it’s hard for me when you forget to unload the dishwasher.”

 
Five or more positive interactions can counteract one negative interaction. There are simple ways to add positive interactions into your day which has shown to decrease conflict and improve intimacy in couples. Remind yourself of your partners positive qualities. Why did you start dating him or her? What was it about your partner that you fell in love with? If you can keep these things in mind and eliminate contempt, you will be able to have a happier relationship and avoid the path of divorce. ​