Navigating Divorce With a Narcissist: A Roadmap to Empowerment and Healing

Divorce is one of life's most challenging experiences. Divorcing a narcissistic partner can make the process become even more complex, emotionally draining, and overwhelming. Divorcing a narcissist requires careful planning, emotional strength, and a solid support system. Following are tips and strategies to empower yourself and navigate the journey through your divorce process so that you can move forward in your life.

Understanding Narcissism

Understanding narcissism and its impact on relationships will help you navigate your divorce more strategically and less emotionally.  Narcissists have very low self-esteem and in order to hide their insecurities, they don't admit when they've done something wrong. Narcissists don’t take responsibility, they become extremely defensive and they’re very good at turning things around and blaming others instead of looking at their own faults. In addition to not taking responsibility, they will gaslight you. Gaslighting is when one person invalidates someone’s feelings, tells you what you think, what you remember and what you perceive is wrong. It causes you to question the validity of your own thoughts and leads to confusion and a loss of confidence and self-esteem.

If you react emotionally to these narcissistic behaviors, you'll play right into their hands. They love when they can push your buttons and get you to respond to them. So you shouldn't take what the narcissist says personally, which is very difficult to do. Here are some tips for anyone who is divorcing a narcissist:

1.    Prioritize Self-Care

Divorcing a narcissist can be emotionally exhausting. You’re going to be triggered A LOT by emails or texts. But being triggered and reacting to your soon-to-be-ex (STBX) isn’t a smart thing to do. You’ll want to be able to respond in a calm, thoughtful way. In order to be able to do that, you need to take care of yourself. This may include:

• Therapy or Support Group: A therapist can provide invaluable support, help you process your emotions, and develop coping strategies. A support group can help you understand that you’re not the only one who’s going through this.
• Set Healthy Boundaries: Set clear boundaries with your ex-partner. For example, only read emails and texts during certain times of the day.
• Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself and recognize that what you’re going through is difficult and you’re doing the best that you can.

2.    Document Everything

Narcissists may attempt to distort facts or manipulate situations to their advantage. Keep detailed records of interactions, including emails, text messages, and conversations. Document instances of manipulation, abuse, and any relevant information pertaining to custody, finances, or property.

3.    Focus on Your Children 

If you have children with your narcissistic ex-partner, prioritize your children's well-being throughout the divorce process. Shield them from conflict as much as possible. If your STBX is talking to your children about the divorce, let your children know how to set boundaries. Say, "If either mom or dad talks to you about the divorce, tell us that's not ok." Consider seeking the guidance of a therapist or mediator specializing in child custody matters.

4.    Choose Your Battles Wisely

When dealing with a narcissist, it's essential to pick your battles wisely. Recognize that they may thrive on conflict and manipulation. Focus on achieving your long-term goals rather than getting caught up in petty disputes.

5.    Lower the conflict

Use the BIFF method to lower the conflict:

• Brief: Keep it short, typically a paragraph or less.
•  Informative: Give information - no emotions, opinions, defenses or arguments. Stay focused on providing relevant information.
• Friendly: This is hard to do when you’re being attacked in writing or verbally. But being friendly avoids feeding the hostilities and may even calm an upset person. Say, “I appreciate your responding to my email.” Or “Thank you for picking Sally up yesterday.”
• Firm: Set a firm deadline: “If I don’t hear from you by Friday at 5pm, I’ll assume that you’re not taking Sam for Saturday afternoon.”  Then end on a friendly note.

6.    Emotionally Detach

Detaching emotionally is so important when you’re divorcing a narcissist. Remind yourself that their behavior is a reflection of their own insecurities and limitations, rather than a reflection of your worth. Repeat to yourself: "I'm a good person and I'm going to be ok, no matter what he/she says."

7.    Set Realistic Expectations

Divorcing a narcissist is rarely quick or easy. Set realistic expectations for the process and be prepared for setbacks along the way. Celebrate small victories and remind yourself that every step forward brings you closer to freedom and healing.

8.    Embrace Healing and Growth

Divorce, especially from a narcissistic partner, can be a catalyst for personal growth and empowerment. Look at your divorce as an opportunity to start a new chapter of your life, heal from past traumas and create the life you've always wanted.

Final Thoughts

Divorcing a narcissist is a challenging journey, but it's also a courageous step toward reclaiming your autonomy and building a brighter future. Remember that you're not alone, and with the right support and resources, you can emerge from this experience stronger, wiser, and more resilient than ever before.