I don’t know anyone who is not worn out by this crazy year. Friends, be kind to yourselves this holiday season. When you’re going through divorce, holidays can be tough. But when you’re going through divorce, there’s a pandemic and you’ve had the year we’ve all had, that just makes it so much more difficult. The following tips can be implemented when you’re alone, or they can be great habits to practice with your children. Some ideas here are probably familiar to you. But sometimes when we are worn out, we just need someone to remind us how to take care of ourselves again.
 
Zoom Out - Imagine you are using a zoom lens on your camera and zoom all the way in. It’s human nature to zoom in on the negative and have negative thoughts completely fill our “viewfinder.” When we zoom in on something negative - the pain of divorce, Covid, a misbehaving child - it literally doesn’t leave room to see anything else. 
 
This holiday season, I encourage you to zoom out and see what else is in the big picture. When you zoom out, those painful things don’t disappear, they are simply put into perspective among all the other things in your life. And when they aren’t taking up your whole viewfinder, they leave room for you to look around and see the positive things you might have missed. 
 
Gratitude - After you zoom out and you can see those beautiful things that are in your life, take a moment and notice them, savor them, even write them down or say thank you for them. Gratitude is not a denial of the things we are grieving, but a way to acknowledge that life is simply always a mixed bag and there are good things, even if it’s the holidays post-divorce and Covid has changed things.
 
Get Cozy - It is easy to get stuck in our mind or emotions and forget about our bodies. This becomes a particular struggle when we’re grieving. This year, be intentional about coziness and kindness to yourself. Make your space and your body comfortable and cozy. Light a candle or turn on the twinkle lights, snuggle in a blanket, have a cup of tea, find your PJ pants and slippers or read a novel. Other great ideas would be a bath or stretching to calming music. Do these things frequently! 
 
Get Moving! - We all know it, but doing it is another matter. Going for a walk can do wonders for your mindset and it can help loosen up tense muscles, too. If you don’t have energy for a high impact workout, don’t worry. Just move your body somehow.  In some places it may be cold, but remember, there’s no bad weather, only bad clothing! If you don’t want to go out, dance in your kitchen.
 
I encourage you to write reminders on your calendar for appointments with yourself to make time for movement, coziness and gratitude, and stick to it. We make sure to show up for everyone else, this season show up for yourself so you can make the holidays special and enjoy the time with your family.

Divorce and separation are challenging no matter what, but when you have a difficult ex, the challenge increases exponentially. However, it can be managed, with the right perspective and some proactive strategies. 
 
Your ex may have made you feel bad about yourself during your marriage/relationship so your self-esteem is low. You may be exhausted from years of dealing with your ex’s difficult behavior and you can get triggered by this. How do you co-parent when it’s so hard to control your emotions? Follow these 5 guidelines to make co-parenting with a difficult ex more effective:                  
 
1.  Build your self-esteem and be patient with yourself. Treat yourself as you would treat a friend. Be patient with yourself – if you mess up, recognize that you’re learning how to deal with a very difficult situation. Change your self-talk from “I can’t believe I let her get to me.” to “I’m doing the best I can and it’s ok.” 
 
2. Don’t get triggered by your ex’s provocative remarks. This is easier said than done. If you can take a pause before you respond, you’ll give yourself the time to think through how you’d like to handle the situation. A pause enables you to respond rather than react. Take a few deep breaths, meditate, call a friend – anything that helps you calm down. 
 
3. Seek a parenting coordinator through the courts. Courts can appoint a parenting coordinator to coordinate scheduling and communication issues between the parents. It’s helpful to have a professional who is trained to deal with high conflict divorce handle these issues.
 
4. Develop your divorce strategy. What are your priorities? What kind of life do you want in 6 months or 1 year? Without a strategy, you can get derailed by your ex’s behavior. Remind yourself why you’re leaving the marriage and what kind of life you want going forward. This will give you perspective beyond the current struggle.
 
5. Don’t make your child the middleman. Don’t use your child to send messages to the other parent, don’t vent to your child about the other parent and don’t ask your child for information about the other parent. Let your children know that it’s not ok to do those things and if either parent tries to do any of those behaviors, they will know that it’s not ok. They can learn to set boundaries with their other parent.
 
The life you want is waiting for you. Ignore the noise that’s coming from your ex and celebrate that it can’t control you anymore. Focus on the present moment, breathe deeply, notice nature, appreciate freedom. Once you recognize that finding your peace has nothing to do with anyone else, you’ll have the life that you’ve been dreaming of.

Setbacks, such as deep sadness or difficult days, are a normal part of getting through divorce. You may be feeling good for a while and then something triggers a strong painful feeling (like a text from your ex). Setbacks can be frustrating and can make you feel helpless. You can feel disoriented and scared about the future. You may feel exhausted, unable to sleep and anxious. You may question if you will ever feel good again.
 
Although it’s difficult, setbacks are an indication that you’re actually moving forward through your divorce recovery. Some setbacks are small and fleeting while others may be more intense where you don’t see an end to the pain. It’s important to address each setback as it occurs. If you avoid addressing each setback as it comes up, you can remain stuck in the pain or bitterness and it will take longer to move on. Throughout the process of tackling each setback you’ll take another step forward in your healing process.
 
Here are 6 tools to help you tackle any obstacle that you face:

1. Recognize that you’ve entered a setback and it doesn’t mean that you’re back to square one
2. Instead of distracting yourself so you don’t think about your emotions, really focus on what you’re feeling by journaling or talking to a friend, support group or therapist
3. Start charting your sadness levels twice a day so that you track the setback
4. Make a list of what makes you feel good. Use this list to form your weekly divorce recovery plan.
5. Change your self-talk – stop yourself when you have negative thoughts and replace them with more positive thoughts.
6. Regain control – focus on what you can control and not on what you can’t. You can’t control your ex. You can't control the length of the process. Focus on your plan for your new life, your comeback and what you want in your future.

 
If you focus on what you can control, it will help you move through your divorce with more confidence. Use the tools above and you will have an easier time facing your setbacks. These strategies will enable you to feel good again and to cherish your new life!

Join our Thriving Through Divorce Online Group Coaching Program here: ​https://go.divorcecoachjill.com/thrivingmonthly

​One way to start the divorce process in New Jersey is for one party (the plaintiff) to file a “Complaint for Divorce”. Although this is the way that a divorce can begin legally, many people don't start the process this way. There are many different ways to start the process of divorce and individuals must choose which method is best for their unique situation.
 
Divorce mediation is commonly used because it is relatively inexpensive and allows you to have control of the divorce process. In divorce mediation, you and your spouse hire an impartial person, a mediator, to facilitate the negotiations of the divorce agreement. The mediator doesn’t represent either of you or advocate for either one of you. Their role is to help you negotiate your disagreements. A mediator may be an attorney, paralegal or a mental health professional. This is the least expensive option (other than pro se where you complete the divorce on your own) and gives you and your spouse control over the process.
 
You should not use mediation in two situations: 1) If there’s a power imbalance, and you’re not able to advocate for yourself and 2) If there is a history of physical or emotional abuse. Mediation works best when you and your spouse are reasonable but have some disagreements on a few major issues. You can hire a consulting attorney to advise you during your negotiations or when your agreement is almost final before you file in the court so that you have someone advocate for you from a legal perspective.
 
Legal Grounds for Divorce in New Jersey
“Legal grounds for divorce” is the term that the legal system uses to recognize the reason for the divorce. New Jersey has several grounds for divorce:

1. No-fault grounds: if the marriage has broken down for at least 6 months and there’s no chance to reconcile or if you’ve lived apart for a year and a half and have no plans to reconcile
2. Fault-based grounds: adultery, desertion for at least 12 months by one’s own will, alcohol or drug abuse, institutionalization of one partner for at least 2 years, extreme abuse or cruelty, imprisonment and some other reasons. When using fault-based grounds for divorce the process is more complicated because you must prove the matter.

 
What happens after the divorce is filed?
Once the divorce is filed, the party who did not file the divorce (the defendant) has 35 days after receiving the filed divorce to either file for an appearance, file an answer or a counterclaim.
 
Filing for an appearance means that the defendant isn’t objecting to the divorce itself, but doesn’t agree to what the plaintiff is asking for. Filing an answer means that the defendant agrees or disagrees to whatever is stated in the complaint. Filing a counterclaim means that the defendant can give new information and reasons for the divorce.
 
Property Division, Alimony and Child Custody in New Jersey
Laws in New Jersey state that all property is marital property. Inheritance is an exception if the funds haven't been co-mingled. A judge will decide who gets what by the following factors:

1. How long you’ve been married
2. How old you are and the state of your health
3. If you have an agreement written ahead of time (which you would do through mediation or hiring your own attorneys to do that), the judge will honor that
4. Your individual financial situations once all property has been divided, your earning potential and child care responsibilities
5. If one or both of you contributed to the other’s education or earning abilities
6. The total debts and liabilities of both of you
7. The value of your properties
8. Tax consequences once the property is divided

 
Property, alimony and child custody are not clear cut and each divorce has unique issues. If the parties come to agreement on any of these issues on their own, the judge will abide by that agreement as long as it is in the child’s best interest. Child support in New Jersey is determined by a set of state guidelines. 

Divorce in any state is a complicated process. Getting good guidance is key to taking control of your divorce process and your life. If you have any questions, you can reach me for a free phone consultation through the following link: free phone consultation with Jill.

Divorce is one of life’s most challenging experiences but during a pandemic it’s just that much more difficult. For instance, how do you handle custody arrangements when families are supposed to be quarantined? What if you and your ex have different ideas about what is safe? One parent may think that it’s ok to see close family and friends and the other may not be seeing anyone. These situations may make it necessary for divorcing couples to communicate and agree on a temporary custody arrangement that’s different from what the original agreement specifies.
 
And if you’re still living with your ex, it can be even more complicated. You’re probably having a harder time keeping apart from each other. If there is conflict between you (which there usually is in divorce), how do you keep that away from the children? It sounds like a recipe for disaster.
 
All of this is stressful for adults, but it’s really stressful for children who don’t understand what’s going on. Following are guidelines to help parents co-parent effectively during the Covid-19 pandemic:

1. Talk to your ex about putting your anger aside for the good of the children. Recognize that this is an emergency and that you need to work together in order for your children to feel better during this stressful time.
2. Together, maybe by Skype, reassure your children that everything’s going to be ok. Ask your children if they’re worried about anything and work together as a family to help each other.
3. Provide consistent routines such as waking up and going to sleep at the same time every day, doing school work at the same time every day, etc. Routines can help children have more stability.
4. Focus on the positives. You probably have more time to spend with your children. Play games, laugh, be in the moment and go outside every day you can. When you pay attention to positives, you have less time and focus on all the things you don’t have control of.

 
This is a difficult time. It’s ok to put the logistics of divorce on hold right now. Good communication, working as a team with your co-parent and focusing on the positives is more important now than it ever has been. Children need as much support as possible, and they need their parents on the same page. Set aside your differences, at least for the time being, and focus on handling this crisis for the good of you and your children.
 

​One reason that divorce is so hard is because divorce has a stigma associated with it that other losses don’t have. When a spouse dies, what happens? Most likely the entire community comes out to support the widow or widower, setting up daily meals for them, dropping by with offers of help, hugs and thoughts and prayers. When a couple decides to divorce, there probably aren’t many offers of help. People may not know what to say or think that the person wants to be left alone. In some instances, the couple decide that they aren’t telling anyone possibly because they’re ashamed. This absence of support from the community is a key factor of why divorce is so difficult.
 
Because there is a stigma, there’s less awareness about the impact of divorce. Most people don’t truly understand what you are going through. Divorce is not just one loss, it comes with many losses. You lose your “intact family” – a mom, dad and children all together. You may lose time with your children. Any time away from your children is a loss and you feel it deeply. You also lose people – obviously your spouse/partner, your in-laws and possibly some friends. You may lose your financial security. You may also lose your place in your community or invitations to events that are only for couples. There are so many losses at once and the grief can run very deep.
 
Most of my clients are surprised at just how difficult divorce is. They didn’t think it would be easy but never expected it to be this hard. The strong emotions of sadness, anger, denial, shame, fear and guilt are surprising to them. They tell themselves, “You shouldn’t feel this way. You need to be able to handle this better.” A woman shared with me that she went through cancer and it wasn’t nearly as difficult as her divorce. A friend apologized when she was going through her divorce because she felt bad that she didn’t help me enough through my divorce. She said that she never dreamed it was this hard. It’s one of the most difficult things you can go through.
 
So how do you make it through your divorce? Get support!!! I can’t emphasize enough how important support is. Find an understanding friend, join a support group, find people who are going through divorce and can relate to you. I run a Facebook group - Separation and Divorce Support Community - which is a group of supportive people who are going through similar experiences. Get a therapist, divorce coach or other professional who can listen and guide you. The good news is you will get through it and when you do, you’ll realize how strong you are. Also, you’ll be empowered with your new life and all that you have to look forward to!

“I’m not like them” 
 
That’s the thought that many people have when they are going through a divorce. It’s particularly true if no one among your family, close friends, or neighbors have been divorced.  You may know that 50% of marriages end in divorce but it still feels lonely if you don’t seem to know any of them. And it may be difficult to meet other divorced people if you feel ashamed that your marriage failed. You can become isolated and depressed which can make the transition from being married to being divorced much more difficult than it has to be. Remedies for shame and the resulting loneliness may be within reach.
 
First, recognize that just because your marriage failed, you aren’t a failure. And, conversely, just because someone is married doesn’t mean they are a success. In fact, I would argue that getting divorced takes a tremendous amount of strength. It is not an easy process. Many choose not to do it and remain in marriages that are basically not functioning. Does that make them successful? No, it’s a lot more complicated than that. But clearly being divorced does not equate to being a failure.  In many ways, it actually shows your strength.
 
Recognizing your strength is important to combat feelings of shame. You can then have the confidence to reach out to others to make the connections you need when you transition through your divorce. Two connections that can be helpful is a therapist or a divorce coach. It’s important to find a therapist who specializes in working with individuals going through divorce. You can ask the therapist what their specialties are to see if they are experienced with divorce. Divorce coaches work with clients on a more practical level to develop goals and help them prioritize what is needed for the next chapter of their life. In addition to therapists and divorce coaches, connecting with others who have been through the divorce process is especially important. Supportive friends who understand how you feel make you feel less different and can help you move on in your life. But many find it challenging to find others who are divorced.
 
So how do you find other divorced people? There are online support groups, meetups and in-person support groups through organizations that sponsor them. Although it’s scary to reach out, keep in mind that others are most likely feeling the same way. They may be very receptive to your friendship. It takes courage to reach out when you’re feeling vulnerable. Ask yourself, “What do I have to lose?”
 
I recently started a closed Facebook support group for individuals who are separated and divorced. It’s called “Separation and Divorce Support Community”. I encourage you to take a look at it and see if it could be helpful to you. Here are some other ways to make connections and not be lonely:

1. Meet with friends and family face to face: talking on the phone and texting are great but you don’t get the full benefit of connecting with people unless you meet face to face. Schedule face to face meetings into your day.
2. Get to know your neighbors: neighbors are a great resource for friendships and connections. Host a neighborhood gathering, attend one that is already planned or bring over a plant to a new neighbor. 
3. Take a class or join an organization: what have you always been interested but never had the time to do? There’s probably a class at your local school on it. You’ll be surprised how easy it will be to connect with someone who has a similar interest.
4. Reach out and touch someone: give someone a hug, pat someone on the back, or just high five someone. It’s amazing how much less lonely you can feel by physically reaching out.
5. Talk to strangers: small talk and chatting makes us happier and healthier. Talking to strangers is a great way to start a friendship.

 
Whatever you choose to do, remembering your strength will help you have the courage to make connections and combat loneliness. You will see that others are more like you than you thought. Give some of these ideas a try and let me know what works for you!!

We can get provoked or “triggered” by many things – a fight with a spouse, a child who won’t listen, a boss who treats you badly, an aggressive driver, etc. Being triggered simply means that some event has impacted us emotionally and we have a difficult time reacting rationally. When we’re triggered, we do things that we shouldn’t do. We yell back at our spouse or child, we say something inappropriate to our boss, or we leave in a huff. How wonderful would it be if we could somehow, in the moment that we are triggered, find a way to detach?
 
One skill that you may have tried in the past when you’ve been triggered is deep abdominal breathing. Deep abdominal breathing is where you push your stomach out as you breath in and pull your stomach in as you breath out. This enables your lungs to expand much farther than if you take the typical “chest breath”. When you do it correctly and for long enough, your brain will release a hormone that will calm you. This calm will enable you to detach. Once you’re detached, you can respond logically rather than emotionally.
 
Sometimes deep abdominal breathing doesn’t work. You try it and you’re still triggered and unable to detach. Grounding is another technique that can be helpful in these circumstances. Grounding is a type of coping strategy that is designed to “ground” you in or connect you to the present moment. You can only use grounding if you have given yourself some space from the person that you were interacting with. You can say that you have to go to the bathroom, ask them if you can talk about this a little later or find some other way to get to a separate space. Once you’ve gotten to a separate space, you can try these steps for grounding:

• Grounding can be done anytime and anyplace
• Keep your eyes open and scan the room
• Do not talk for the moment. You want to distract yourself from your feelings, not get in touch with them.
• Stay neutral – don’t judge yourself or anyone else as “good” or “bad”.
• Focus on the present, not the past or future.
• Mental Grounding:

1. Describe your environment using all of your senses. For example, “The walls are white, there are six chairs in the room around the table, there are sounds of children playing outside…” Describe objects, sounds, colors textures, smells, shapes and temperature.
2. Use an image to take you to a calm place. For example, “I’m on a raft floating in the sea.” or “I am on a mountain looking at a beautiful sunset.”
3. Count to 10 or say the alphabet very slowly.
4. Repeat a positive statement or affirmation: “I am calm and peaceful. I can handle this. This too shall pass.”

• Physical Grounding:

1. Run cool or warm water over your hands.
2. Grab an object tightly such as a ball or pillow.
3. Touch various objects around you such as keys, a book, the table and notice the way it feels, the colors, the materials, the weight.
4. Jump up and down.
5. Stretch yourself including your arms, legs, neck, etc.
6. Walk slowly. Notice each footstep and say left, right as you walk.

 
The key to being successful with these techniques is to practice them when you’re not being triggered. You can also make up your own method of grounding that enables you to distract and detach yourself from your emotions. Learning to detach is a powerful tool that can help you to be more successful in your communication skills and improve your relationships with your spouse, children, boss and anyone else important in your life. Let me know what techniques work for you!

Divorce or separation can be devastating and can be an incredibly isolating experience. If you are going through a separation or divorce, don’t lose hope. There are a number of painful feelings that come along with separation and divorce, including depression, anxiety, a sense of loss, and a sense of guilt. All of these emotions can take a toll, but with the right people on your side, you can begin to heal. Thanks to online support groups, you can find help in a place and time convenient to you via a group of people who understand exactly how you feel. Here are 3 major reasons why you should join an online separated and divorced support group:
​

1. Receive Support Specific for Your Situation. Finding a support group for people who are separated and divorced is a great way to get personalized support for your specific situation. The people in your support group will understand the emotions you’re feeling and have valuable advice for coping. Plus, the people you meet through the support group can help you feel less judged and more accepted

1. Reduce Anxiety and Depression by Sharing Your Story. An online support group for separation and divorce can help reduce anxiety and depression because you are connecting with people who have been there too. Sharing your feelings with others simply helps reduce the stress and bad emotions related to divorce and separation. It decreases isolation as you find a common bond with others on a deep level through discussing your daily struggles.

1. Learn to Move On. An online separated and divorced support group can ultimately help you move on. You’ll receive valuable feedback from your group while sharing your own experiences, and over time, you’ll acquire coping skills that help you feel empowered and motivated to move past this difficult time in your life. In addition, you’ll receive access to valuable resources that can help you learn to move on.

 
Joining a separated and divorced support group might seem intimidating at first, but when you think about it, it’s just a great opportunity to connect with like-minded people going through the same thing as you. I offer divorce support groups throughout the year. Please email divorcecoachjill@gmail.com for more information.

On average, 40% of all first marriages end in divorce, and over half of those families have children under the age of 18. When you add to that the 57% of millennials choosing to have children outside of a marital union, there are lot of parents who are not living under the same roof. Under the best of circumstances, raising a child is difficult, but when you’re divorced or not living together, it brings a lot of additional challenges.

Ideally, both parents share childcare responsibilities – and the quality of their co-parenting relationship can be characterized by the extent to which they support or fail to support each other. When parents fail to cooperate, it can have consequences for all involved. For years, research has shown that the quality of interaction between separated parents is a strong predictor of the mental health and psychological well-being of children living in this type of family structure and young children especially are at higher risk for anxiety, aggressive behavior, and poor social skills. If you can’t manage to get along, it can cause lasting mental and emotional problems for your kids.

In such situations, having a support network is one of the best things you can do for yourself and your family. All parents going through divorce or separation need supportive people that they can talk to, so they don’t speak to their children about any ill feelings about the other parent.  A therapist, a friend, a family member, a clergy member, or any supportive individual can make the difference between frustration and anger and learning how to manage your emotions.

The following rules an help to build a healthy co-parenting environment:

• Never fight or argue in front of the children.  Fighting in front of children can be extremely damaging to children.  No matter how angry or emotional you are, you are the adult and your role is to protect your children.  If you refrain from fighting in front of them, you are helping your children.
• Never say anything negative about the other parent in front of the children.  Your children love both of you and when you say something negative about one parent, it can significantly impact the children. 
• Both parents must communicate clearly and regularly. Notify each other as soon as possible if a child misses school, is sick, has a schedule change, etc.  Decide together what the preferred method of communication is: text, email, phone, etc.  This will create a better environment for everyone.
• Treat each other as if you were in a business relationship.  Put aside the anger and let go of blaming each other.  Work towards a more formal, respectful relationship.  If one starts being disrespectful – yelling, name calling, bringing up the past – then say, “Let’s take a break, calm down and continue this conversation at another time.”
• Children don’t need to know all the details of the divorce.  Only tell them what you absolutely have to tell them – things that specifically involve them.  Such things may include: who is in charge during what time, future plans, where they are going to live, etc.

​
Following these rules – even if you’re not on the same page as your ex -  is a gift to your children. They will benefit tremendously from having a secure, reliable relationship with both parents. And if you find that you fall off the wagon sometimes, don’t beat yourself up - the rules aren’t always easy to follow. Admit to your child that you made a mistake, apologize and move on. The gift your child will receive is less anxiety and more stability, as you and your ex work together for their well-being.