 Your marriage may be a mess – your spouse treats you poorly, you’ve been through betrayal or maybe you don’t even like each other. But the thought of divorce is scary and navigating through the chaos and conflict that comes with divorce can be overwhelming. You may be worried about the impact of divorce on your children, how you’re going to support yourself and your children and how to go through the process without spending your savings on attorneys – all of these issues can paralyze people from taking steps to end a failing relationship. You’re not alone if the thought of getting divorced brings dread and fear but you can become fully prepared for whatever next step you decide to take. Here are some reasons not to fear divorce:
1. Divorce allows you to have a fresh start: While divorce is the end of a chapter, it also opens the doors to new beginnings. Embracing change can lead to the opportunity to create a life free from the struggles and negativity of the past. 2. It’s better for children to have 2 happy parents: Research has shown that staying in an unhappy marriage can have a negative effect on children. Choosing divorce over prolonged conflict can create a healthier environment for them to thrive in. 3. Pain is temporary: Although it seems like the pain of divorce is going to go on forever, it actually is temporary. Embracing the grieving process and allowing yourself the time and space to grieve can pave the way for healing and personal growth. 4. There can be love again: It’s not good to rush into another relationship. But after you’ve taken time to heal, you have the chance to rediscover what you truly desire in a partner. And if you’ve truly worked on yourself through therapy, journaling, support groups or whatever you’ve done to heal, you can find a fulfilling relationship. 5. People change: People evolve over time, and marriage vows made in the past may no longer align with your current wants and needs. It's okay to acknowledge this and seek a path that promotes happiness and fulfillment. 6. Happiness matters: Too many people stay in an unhappy marriage because they’re scared to divorce, they’re worried about what others think or they’re worried about their children. No one benefits if you’re unhappy in your marriage – not the kids and not either spouse. If you’re happier without the marriage, it will have a positive ripple effect on your family and others around you. 7. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks: The only person who matters is you. Try not to be impacted by what others think about your divorce is not your concern. Focus on your own needs, desires, and the well-being of your family. 8. You’re stronger than you think. People go through divorce every day. They are just as scared and overwhelmed as you. But each person finds the strength to get through the day, then the week and then the month. Before they know it, they’re through the process and divorced. I’ve helped hundreds of people get through divorce. I promise you can do this. Have faith in yourself and your ability to handle difficult things. I’m sure that you’ve dealt with difficult things in the past. How did you get through? Because you’re stronger than you realize! Keep telling yourself that and you’ll get through it one day at a time. While fear of divorce is understandable, it doesn’t have to hold you back from seeking a healthier and more fulfilling life. Embrace the opportunity for a new beginning, and personal growth, and happiness that divorce can bring. Remember, you deserve to live a happy and complete life.
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The Power of an Experienced Divorce Coach: Navigating the Emotional and Practical Aspects of Divorce7/21/2024  Divorce is one of the most emotionally difficult experiences a person can go through. It involves complicated legal and financial considerations, but feeling overwhelmed and lost is one of the most challenging parts of divorce. If you hire an attorney when you're in this volatile state, you can end up caught in costly legal battles which hurts everyone - both parents and children too.
Divorce is 80% emotional, 10% financial, and 10% legal. Addressing your emotional state before you start working with an attorney will help you make better decisions and protect your well-being and the well-being of your children as you go through the divorce process. The Role of a Divorce Coach Divorce coaches play a crucial role in guiding individuals through the emotional and practical parts of divorce. Unlike attorneys, who primarily focus on the legal aspects, divorce coaches will help you in a holistic way - by breaking down the process into manageable chunks so that you won't feel so lost and overwhelmed and can have emotional clarity that you need to make all of the important decisions that you need to make. How a Divorce Coach Can Help Here are some key ways an experienced divorce coach can assist individuals in navigating the divorce process: Emotional Guidance: A divorce coach can provide tools and coping strategies so that you can manage your emotions so that you can have clarity and make informed decisions. A divorce coach helps you determine what your priorities are for your divorce and your life post-divorce. Divorce coaches empower you to make your own decisions as opposed to telling you what you're legally entitled to. Practical Support: A divorce coach can walk you step-by-step through the divorce process, providing education on various options available, such as mediation, arbitration or collaborative divorce. This guidance can help you understand what approach aligns best with their needs and goals. Conflict Resolution: Even in cases involving high-conflict individuals, a skilled divorce coach can provide tools to minimize conflict and manage challenging interactions effectively. A divorce coach who has experience with high-conflict divorce can help reduce tension and foster a more cooperative process. Customized Solutions: Each divorce is unique, and a divorce coach can help individuals identify their priorities and develop creative solutions to meet their specific needs. This personalized approach ensures that individuals feel supported throughout the process. The Importance of Experience When seeking a divorce coach, it’s essential to look for someone with a strong educational background and extensive experience. A qualified divorce coach should possess credentials, not just having gone through their own divorce. Ask for testimonials and how long the coach has been working with people going through divorce. Thriving Beyond Divorce Ultimately, with the guidance of an experienced divorce coach, individuals can not only survive the divorce process but also thrive as they embark on the next chapter of their lives. By addressing the emotional complexities and providing support at every step, a knowledgeable divorce coach can help you make sound decisions, protect their emotional well-being, and pave the way for a brighter future for themselves and their children. The role of an experienced divorce coach in providing emotional support, practical guidance, and customized solutions is instrumental in navigating the highly complicated landscape of divorce. By choosing a skilled divorce coach, you can get guidance towards a positive and fulfilling post-divorce journey.  One of the most difficult things about divorce is living in the same house with someone who you’re divorcing. There are many reasons people stay in the same house – they can’t afford to move out, they want to be there for their children or their attorney has advised them to stay in their house. While it’s a difficult situation, there are strategies to lower conflict as you go through divorce and live in the same home. Here are some tips for living in the same house with your spouse when you're going through a divorce. 1. Keep communication civil Your relationship with your spouse has changed. You don’t need to agree on everything and work through emotional issues. But you do need to be respectful – speak to each other in a respectful tone, say please and thank you, and let each other know what your schedules are. If you have children, the way that you interact can have a significant impact on your children. Avoid engaging in unnecessary arguments or confrontations, as this will only hurt your children and increase the stress for both parties. Instead, focus on maintaining a cordial and business-like approach when discussing matters related to the household, finances, or children (if applicable). 2. Establish clear boundaries Communicate with your spouse about what each of your expectations are regarding living arrangements, shared spaces, and routines. Establish separate living areas within the home, if possible, to allow for privacy and independence. Schedule a time to communicate weekly to discuss things that are going well and things that need to be changed. 3. Create a temporary parenting plan If you have children, establish a temporary parenting plan – when each parent will be responsible for the children. Even a partial plan is helpful. Here are some options:
4. Avoid talking about the past Unless you can talk about the past without getting into fights, avoid talking about the past. Fighting about the past when you’re going through divorce is not going to accomplish anything. In general, it’s better to focus on the present and future, rather than the past. 5. Seek support from friends and family Reach out for support from trusted friends and family members who can provide a listening ear, practical advice, or even temporary accommodations if needed. Having a supportive network to lean on can lower some of the stress and provide a safe outlet for processing your emotions. 6. Let go of anger Feeling anger while you’re going through divorce is normal. However, holding on to anger for an extended period of time is not helpful. Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. -Buddha Writing down your feelings in a journal, writing a letter to the person you’re angry with (but not sending it) and not allowing yourself to focus on the person are all ways to let go of anger. Remember that you’re letting go of anger for you, not the other person. 7. Consider divorce mediation and/or counseling If tensions continue to rise or conflicts become unmanageable, consider seeking professional help. Legal mediation and/or counseling can provide a safe and neutral space for both individuals to address their concerns and find constructive solutions. A mediator or counselor can facilitate communication, help manage disagreements, and assist with creating a more peaceful living environment until the divorce is finalized. Self-care is crucial during this emotionally challenging time. Prioritize your physical, mental, and emotional well-being by engaging in activities that nourish your spirit. This may include exercise, practicing mindfulness or meditation, seeking therapy, journaling, or spending time in nature. By taking care of your own needs, you will be better equipped to cope with the stress of living in the same house during the divorce process. You can navigate this transitional period with greater harmony. Remember to practice patience and self-compassion as you navigate these difficult circumstances, and know that there is light at the end of the tunnel.  Making the decision to end a marriage is one of the most difficult decisions that anyone can make, especially when there are children involved. Many people go back and forth – thinking about divorce and then talking themselves out of it. The average person takes 7 years to make the decision to end their marriage. There are good reasons not to divorce. Divorce is stressful, expensive and changes you and your children’s lives in a profound way. I always encourage my clients not to divorce, if possible. But while many people focus on the negative impact of divorce, there’s a negative impact to staying in a marriage if there’s a lot of fighting or one or both partners are unhappy. While good marriages go through ups and downs, there are important issues to be aware of to indicate if there’s real trouble in your marriage. Recognizing these warning signs is crucial for taking the necessary steps to either try to address the underlying problems or make the decision to divorce. Here are some common warning signs and what you can do about them. 1. Communication breakdown Good communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship. When communication starts to break down, it can create distance and misunderstandings. Pay attention to warning signs such as constant arguments, defensiveness, ignoring each other, or difficulty in expressing feelings. If poor communication continues, anger and resentment can build up. But there are ways to improve communication such as enlisting the help of a couples’ therapist, joining a couples retreat or starting individual therapy. John Gottman has authored helpful books (such as The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work) and has developed many resources for couples who are struggling. If you’ve tried some of these techniques and it hasn’t helped or one of the partners isn’t willing to get help, that’s a sign that your marriage may be in trouble. 2. Lack of intimacy and connection Intimacy and connection are essential aspects of a strong marriage. If you notice a prolonged decrease in physical intimacy, emotional closeness, or feel disconnected from your partner, it can be something to be concerned about. It may be difficult to talk about this with your partner. But it’s important to address this issue with your spouse openly and honestly. Consider scheduling dedicated quality time together, exploring new ways to connect, or seeking guidance from a therapist specializing in relationships and intimacy. 3. Loss of trust Trust is extremely important in relationships. Infidelity, addiction and hiding important things from your partner impact trust in marriages. Although it’s difficult to regain trust after these experiences, many couples do. But it takes a ton of work. Rebuilding trust takes time and work from both partners. Patience, forgiveness and a commitment to rebuilding the relationship is key. But many couples are not able to forgive and move forward from infidelity or addiction. 4. Neglecting self-care and personal growth A healthy marriage requires individuals who prioritize self-care and personal growth. This means that each partner must put aside their own needs to support the other at times. For example, if you need to work out or play an instrument or volunteer to feel emotionally healthy, your partner must understand and support that. If you or your partner neglect taking care of yourself, it can lead to resentment and dissatisfaction within the marriage. 5. Lack of shared goals and values Shared goals and values provide a sense of purpose and direction in a marriage. Do you both want children? Is religion important to you? Do you want to be financially successful? Is it important to have down time and focus on experiencing life? If you’ve had conversations about your life goals and you can’t come to agreement, tension and conflict can develop. Consider engaging in couples counseling to determine if you can work through your differences. Recognizing the warning signs in your marriage is the first step towards making the difficult decision to divorce. Many couples go through difficult times but if there’s a longer-term pattern of trouble in the marriage, it may be a warning sign that your marriage is in serious trouble. While no one wants to divorce, it may be a better option than staying in an unhealthy situation. Every situation is different. You can take other’s opinions into consideration but in the end, only you know what’s the best decision for you.  Whether or not it was your decision to divorce, the end of a marriage brings with it intense emotions. It’s hard to understand how it feels unless you’ve been through it. You’re grieving so many losses - the loss of your intact family, time with your children, your in-laws, friends, your home and more. However, healing is possible, and there are steps you can take to navigate the process. Here are some strategies to help you heal and emotionally recover when you're going through a divorce:
1. Allow yourself time to process your feelings Give yourself time to process the feelings. Don’t make any important decisions or changes right away. Find a way to express your feelings that feels right to you. Therapy, a support group and journaling are all good options. Through acknowledging and processing your feelings, you can begin the healing process. 2. Seek support from loved ones It’s crucial to surround yourself with a support system of friends and family. Reach out to those you trust and lean on them for emotional support. They can offer a listening ear, provide comfort, and remind you that you are not alone. 3. Take care of yourself physically and mentally Divorce can take a toll on your overall well-being, so it's essential to focus on getting enough sleep, eating right, and exercising regularly. Try not to get stuck in negative patterns. Take a walk to get out of your environment and get a new perspective. Additionally, meditation can help you during this challenging time. The benefits of meditation include improved sleep, decreased stress and clear thinking. 4. Don’t rush your healing Healing takes time, and it's important to remember that everyone's process is different. Give yourself permission to heal at your own pace. Avoid rushing into new relationships or making significant life decisions until you feel ready. Work on healing your past wounds, building your confidence and learning about yourself before moving forward. This includes exploring new hobbies, attend workshops or classes, and rediscovering your passions and interests. 5. Practice forgiveness and let go Holding onto anger and bitterness can hinder your healing process. While it may be difficult, practicing forgiveness can be transformative. This doesn't mean forgetting or condoning the hurtful actions that occurred, but rather freeing yourself from the emotional burden and allowing yourself to move forward. Rebuilding your life after divorce offers an opportunity for a fresh start. Envision what you want your future to look like. Set goals, explore new possibilities, and create a vision board or plan for the future. If you can embrace this chance to reinvent yourself, you can create a life that can be better than you’ve ever imagined! If you’re having difficulty moving forward, reach out to Divorce Coach Jill at [email protected].  Divorce is one of life's most challenging experiences. Divorcing a narcissistic partner can make the process become even more complex, emotionally draining, and overwhelming. Divorcing a narcissist requires careful planning, emotional strength, and a solid support system. Following are tips and strategies to empower yourself and navigate the journey through your divorce process so that you can move forward in your life.
Understanding Narcissism Understanding narcissism and its impact on relationships will help you navigate your divorce more strategically and less emotionally. Narcissists have very low self-esteem and in order to hide their insecurities, they don't admit when they've done something wrong. Narcissists don’t take responsibility, they become extremely defensive and they’re very good at turning things around and blaming others instead of looking at their own faults. In addition to not taking responsibility, they will gaslight you. Gaslighting is when one person invalidates someone’s feelings, tells you what you think, what you remember and what you perceive is wrong. It causes you to question the validity of your own thoughts and leads to confusion and a loss of confidence and self-esteem. If you react emotionally to these narcissistic behaviors, you'll play right into their hands. They love when they can push your buttons and get you to respond to them. So you shouldn't take what the narcissist says personally, which is very difficult to do. Here are some tips for anyone who is divorcing a narcissist: 1. Prioritize Self-Care Divorcing a narcissist can be emotionally exhausting. You’re going to be triggered A LOT by emails or texts. But being triggered and reacting to your soon-to-be-ex (STBX) isn’t a smart thing to do. You’ll want to be able to respond in a calm, thoughtful way. In order to be able to do that, you need to take care of yourself. This may include:
2. Document Everything Narcissists may attempt to distort facts or manipulate situations to their advantage. Keep detailed records of interactions, including emails, text messages, and conversations. Document instances of manipulation, abuse, and any relevant information pertaining to custody, finances, or property. 3. Focus on Your Children If you have children with your narcissistic ex-partner, prioritize your children's well-being throughout the divorce process. Shield them from conflict as much as possible. If your STBX is talking to your children about the divorce, let your children know how to set boundaries. Say, "If either mom or dad talks to you about the divorce, tell us that's not ok." Consider seeking the guidance of a therapist or mediator specializing in child custody matters. 4. Choose Your Battles Wisely When dealing with a narcissist, it's essential to pick your battles wisely. Recognize that they may thrive on conflict and manipulation. Focus on achieving your long-term goals rather than getting caught up in petty disputes. 5. Lower the conflict Use the BIFF method to lower the conflict:
6. Emotionally Detach Detaching emotionally is so important when you’re divorcing a narcissist. Remind yourself that their behavior is a reflection of their own insecurities and limitations, rather than a reflection of your worth. Repeat to yourself: "I'm a good person and I'm going to be ok, no matter what he/she says." 7. Set Realistic Expectations Divorcing a narcissist is rarely quick or easy. Set realistic expectations for the process and be prepared for setbacks along the way. Celebrate small victories and remind yourself that every step forward brings you closer to freedom and healing. 8. Embrace Healing and Growth Divorce, especially from a narcissistic partner, can be a catalyst for personal growth and empowerment. Look at your divorce as an opportunity to start a new chapter of your life, heal from past traumas and create the life you've always wanted. Final Thoughts Divorcing a narcissist is a challenging journey, but it's also a courageous step toward reclaiming your autonomy and building a brighter future. Remember that you're not alone, and with the right support and resources, you can emerge from this experience stronger, wiser, and more resilient than ever before.  When a couple is going through divorce, two popular options often come up: collaborative divorce and mediation. While both approaches seek to avoid litigation or going to trial, mediation is a more effective and efficient way to resolve conflicts amicably. In this blog post, we will explore why mediation is recommended if possible over collaborative divorce. Understanding Collaborative Divorce Collaborative divorce involves each party having their own attorney and engaging in negotiations to reach a settlement. When you hire a collaborative attorney, they’ve agreed that if your case goes to court, they will not represent you and you’ll have to get another attorney if you go to trial. Therefore, collaborative attorneys are incentivized not to be as adversarial and to help you come to agreement without litigation. However, you’re still paying two attorneys to communicate with each other and with you which can result in significant attorney fees. The Power of Mediation Mediation, on the other hand, offers a structured and confidential process where a neutral third party (the mediator) works with the couple to reach an agreement. Here's why mediation is recommended versus collaborative divorce: 1. Neutral mediators The mediator in a divorce mediation process does not advocate for either party. Their role is to facilitate productive discussions, provide information, and guide the couple towards mutually beneficial agreements. This neutrality reduces the chances of imbalances in power and ensures a fair and level playing field. 2. Cost-Effective: Mediation typically costs less than collaborative divorce. With one neutral mediator rather than two attorneys, couples can save on legal fees and related expenses. 3. Greater Empowerment and Control: In mediation, the couple retains greater control over their divorce settlement. Instead of relying on attorneys to negotiate on their behalf, couples actively participate in discussions and collaboratively make decisions that align with their unique circumstances. 4. Focus on Effective Communication: Mediation encourages effective communication and problem-solving skills. Through guided discussions facilitated by the mediator, couples have the opportunity to address underlying issues, express their concerns, and develop strategies to avoid future conflicts. These valuable skills can have a long-lasting positive impact on co-parenting and future interactions. 5. Emphasis on Preserving Relationships: Mediation enables the parties to work together as a unit which can maintain and preserve the relationship, especially important in cases involving ongoing co-parenting. Collaborative divorce, while aiming to reduce conflict, can still potentially strain relationships due to the involvement of attorneys. Mediation is not suitable for every couple or every divorce situation. It is best for couples who are willing to work together, communicate openly, and share a commitment to reach a mutually beneficial resolution. It may not be recommended in cases where there is a high level of hostility, abuse, or an inability to negotiate in good faith. While collaborative divorce may have originated as a strong alternative to traditional litigation, mediation has proven to be a better option for many couples looking to resolve their divorce conflicts amicably.  High conflict divorces can be emotionally charged and complex. Blamers and targets are terms used to describe certain behavioral patterns and roles that individuals may assume during a divorce, particularly in high-conflict situations:
Blamers:
Targets:
In a high-conflict divorce, these roles can make it challenging to achieve an amicable resolution. Here are a few insights on managing or addressing these dynamics: 1. Seek Professional Help: Counseling, therapy, or mediation can provide a safe space to address underlying issues and help both parties communicate effectively. Not all therapists and mediators specialize in high conflict divorces so it’s important that you ask the professional what their experience is with high conflict people. 2. Establish Boundaries Set clear boundaries with the high conflict person. Setting a boundary doesn’t mean telling the person what the boundary is because high conflict people won’t easily respect a boundary. You must follow up with a consequence when the person crosses over your boundary. Examples of issues to set boundaries on include limiting communication to specific topics or through specific channels, when and how children are transferred from one parent to the other and how you’re going to share payment for children’s expenses. 3. Prioritize your children’s well-being Even if you’re extremely angry or hurt by their other parent, you need to put those feelings aside for the good of your children. Speak respectfully to your soon-to-be-ex (STBX) and avoid saying anything negative about them to your children. This can be extremely difficult because they may be provoking you. Co-parenting classes or counseling are options to become educated on how to communicate with each other. 4. Self-care and support Both parties should prioritize self-care and seek support from friends, family, or support groups to manage the emotional toll of the divorce. It's important to remember that every divorce situation is unique, and the dynamics between the individuals involved can vary significantly. Seek guidance from professionals who specialize in high-conflict divorces can be instrumental in navigating this challenging process.  Going through divorce can be one of the most challenging and emotionally draining experiences in a person's life. There is so many things to be worried about – how to support yourself, how to be a single parent if you have children, how to meet a new partner, just to name a few. Plus, as you go through divorce, you can lose your confidence. You can beat yourself up for mistakes that you’ve made. However, divorce is an opportunity for you to grow as a person and make your life everything you’ve always wanted it to be. In this blog, we will explore strategies to help you overcome your fears and regain your confidence during and after divorce. 1. Process Your Emotions Many people avoid feeling the pain that comes with divorce. They avoid it by doing things like working hard, getting into a new relationship or hyperfocusing on their children. In order to heal, you need to feel the pain, sadness, anger, grief and any other emotion that comes up. Journaling, therapy, coaching and joining a support group are all great ways to process your feelings. This is the first step toward healing and building your confidence. 2. Don’t get stuck in your grief It’s easy to get stuck thinking about your feelings all day, every day. You can have negative thoughts that continue to come at you and they won’t stop: “Why did I marry this person?” “Why doesn’t he/she want to be with me?” “I’m never going to be happy again.” “My children are not going to be ok.” It’s so important that you allow yourself some time each day to feel your feelings. But it shouldn’t be all day. Give yourself 20-30 minutes a day to do this and then focus on your life – work, kids, seeing friends, a movie, etc. You’ll be able to heal faster if you don’t focus on your feelings all of the time. 3. Set Realistic Expectations Understand that the healing process may take time, and it's okay to have setbacks along the way. Recognize that healing is a gradual journey, and it's perfectly normal to experience moments of self-doubt. Be kind and patient with yourself. 4. Rediscover Your Interests and Passions Divorce can leave you feeling lost, as the life you once knew changes. This is an opportunity to rediscover who you are an what your interests and passions are. Try new hobbies and activities that are interesting to you. Join a painting class, learn bridge or play tennis. Exploring new interests can help you build self-confidence and a sense of purpose. 5. Focus on Self-Care Self-care is vital during and after a divorce. This can include regular exercise, a balanced diet, meditation, and relaxation techniques. When you feel good physically, it can boost your self-esteem and help you regain confidence. 6. Set and Pursue Personal Goals Setting and working towards personal goals can be an excellent way to rebuild your confidence. Start with small, achievable goals and gradually work your way up. These goals can be related to your career, personal growth, or even travel. Each accomplishment, no matter how small, will boost your self-esteem. 7. Visualize a Positive Future What do you want your life to be in a year or five years from now? Picture a life where you are happy, successful, and content. This vision can be your guiding light as you work through the challenges of divorce. Conclusion Going through a divorce is difficult, but you can conquer your fears and build back your confidence. You can do this by processing your emotions, seeking support, setting realistic expectations, rediscovering your interests, focusing on self-care, pursuing personal goals, and visualizing a positive future. Remember that healing and personal growth are possible, and an amazing new chapter awaits you.  Divorce is a process that brings up intense emotions such as anger, sadness, fear and worry. While it's natural to feel overwhelmed during this period, avoiding common mistakes can help make the journey smoother and more manageable. In this blog, we'll explore some essential tips to help you avoid pitfalls and make informed decisions when going through a divorce.
1. Seek Professional Guidance One of the most significant mistakes people make during divorce is they hire an attorney to start their divorce process. If you hire an attorney, your spouse will hire an attorney and you’ll become adversaries. You’ll be spending money on every email, phone call and court motion. In addition, attorneys typically don’t have expertise in finances or parenting. It’s much more efficient to hire an experienced divorce coach who can help you understand the divorce process and how to best utilize your attorney and other divorce professionals. 2. Understand Your Finances Gaining a comprehensive understanding of your financial situation is crucial when going through a divorce. Take the time to gather all relevant financial documents, such as bank statements, tax returns, and mortgage statements. Create a complete inventory of assets, liabilities, and debts. If your financial situation is complicated, a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst is a great resource to help you understand your finances. Knowing your financial standing will empower you to make informed decisions about property division and spousal support. 3. Prioritize Your Children's Well-being Another big mistake people make is to talk to their children about the other parent in a negative way, telling them details about the divorce process or relying on them for support. Instead, make sure you shield them from all of the details of the divorce process and let them know that you’re there for them. Focus on creating a stable and nurturing environment for your children so that they can adjust in a healthy way. 4. Keep Emotions in Check Divorce is emotionally charged, but letting your emotions drive decisions can lead to regrettable choices. Try to maintain a level head and stay as objective as possible. Seek support from friends, family, or a therapist to help you process your emotions in a healthy way. 5. Wait to Date Going through divorce can be lonely and stressful. It’s tempting to distract yourself by starting a new relationship. But jumping into a new relationship is just going to complicate things and won’t allow you to heal or focus on your kids. It’s best to wait until you’re emotionally ready to date – which means that you’ve fully grieved the breakdown of the marriage and you’ve learned to be happy on your own for a little while. That doesn't mean that you can't go out on a date when you don't have your kids. Just take it really slow and don't get serious too soon. 6. Focus on the Future Dwelling on the past when you’re divorcing won’t help you heal and move forward. Shift your focus to the future – what do you want in the next chapter of your life? What do you want to do differently? Set goals and create a post-divorce plan for yourself. This can include financial, career, and/or personal goals. Having a sense of purpose and direction can help you move forward with confidence and optimism. Going through a divorce is never easy, but by avoiding common mistakes and taking a proactive and thoughtful approach, you can make the process more manageable. Seek professional guidance, prioritize your children, manage your emotions, wait to date, and focus on the future. Remember that healing takes time, and with the right support and mindset, you can emerge from this challenging chapter of your life stronger.  Divorcing a narcissistic spouse can be an incredibly challenging experience. Narcissists often exhibit manipulative behaviors and an unwillingness to compromise, making mediation even more complex. However, with the right approach and strategies in place, it's possible to successfully mediate a divorce with a narcissistic spouse. Here's a guide to help you navigate this difficult process: 1. Prepare Yourself Emotionally: Before entering mediation, understand that dealing with a narcissistic spouse may trigger strong emotions. Recognize that their behavior is a reflection of their personality traits and is not a reflection of your worth. Make sure that you have techniques to decrease your anxiety when you get provoked by something your former spouse says or does like deep abdominal breathing, taking a break and bringing the focus back to the business at hand. Seek support from a therapist, divorce coach, friends, or support groups to help you manage your emotions and maintain your emotional well-being. 2. Set Clear Goals: Define your priorities and objectives for the divorce mediation. Decide what outcomes are most important to you, whether it's child custody arrangements, financial settlements, or property division. Having clear goals will help you stay focused and assertive during negotiations. 3. Get Organized: Narcissists often try to manipulate situations to their advantage. To counter this, gather all relevant documentation, such as financial records, assets, debts, and any relevant communication. Being organized and having evidence will provide a factual basis for your negotiations and reduce the potential for manipulation. 4. Choose a Skilled Mediator: Selecting the right mediator is crucial when dealing with a narcissistic spouse. Look for a mediator experienced in high-conflict situations and who is well-versed in dealing with manipulative behaviors. A skilled mediator can help maintain a balanced and productive atmosphere during negotiations. 5. Establish Boundaries: Clearly communicate your expectations for respectful behavior during mediation sessions. If they attempt to cross these boundaries, calmly remind them of the agreed-upon rules and refocus the discussion on the topic at hand. 6. Stick to Facts and Logic: Narcissists often thrive on emotional manipulation and drama. To counteract this, focus on presenting facts, figures, and logical arguments. Stick to the relevant issues and avoid getting drawn into personal attacks or emotional discussions. 7. Use "I" Statements: When expressing your concerns or opinions, use "I" statements to keep the conversation centered on your perspective and needs. For example, say "I believe it's important for our children to have consistent routines" instead of "You never care about the kids' schedules." 8. Focus on the Long-Term: Remember that the divorce process is temporary, but the decisions made during this time can have long-lasting effects on your future. Keep your long-term goals in mind when making decisions and avoid getting caught up in short-term emotional battles. Mediating a divorce with a narcissistic spouse requires patience, resilience, and strategic thinking. By preparing emotionally, staying focused on your goals, and utilizing effective communication techniques, you can navigate this challenging situation and achieve a successful resolution that allows you to move forward with your life. Remember, your well-being and that of any children involved are top priorities, and maintaining your composure and determination will help you achieve the best possible outcome.  When a marriage or any relationship is over, it can be difficult to communicate with each other in a productive way. There are so many emotions that are left over from your past experience that it’s hard to put that aside those emotions and focus on the present and future. It’s likely that your ex has a pattern of responding to you that isn’t healthy and it’s easy for you to become triggered and emotional. Then you react in an emotional way and before you know it, you’re escalating into old fighting patterns.
But there are specific ways to communicate with your ex that will prevent you from falling into old bad habits. Here are three steps to more positive communication with your ex: Step 1: Start with something positive, specific and connecting to reduce the reactivity of your ex. Here are some examples:
You want to show them that you’re coming from a place of respect and collaboration. You’re sending a clear message that this is not an attack. This may be awkward at first but it will get easier with practice. Step 2: Be clear and specific when you’re asking for something Qualifiers like, “I was wondering” or “I’m just checking” or “I think” lead to confusion. It can sound like the subject is up for discussion. Cut out any superfluous words and use clear statements like:
This will enable you both to understand what the purpose is for the communication and there will be less misunderstanding. Step 3: Tie it up with a positive short sentence:
Then end with, “Enjoy your day” or some other positive ending. These steps can be used in person or by email. There’s less of a chance of the conversation going in the wrong direction if you’re communicating by email so that’s a safer way to start out. Once you’ve been using these steps for a while, you’ll see how you and your STBX can be interacting in a totally different way than you have in the past. You and your children will be happier and much better off!  Having the conversation with your spouse that you want a divorce can be one of the most difficult conversations you’ll ever have. However, if you’ve made the decision to divorce, having the conversation is an important step in moving forward. Here are 6 tips on how to have this conversation with your spouse in a respectful way:
1. Take Time for Self-reflection and Have Clarity About Your Decision Before initiating this important conversation, take your time to think about your decision to pursue a divorce. Evaluate your feelings, assess your reasons for wanting a divorce and make sure that you’re certain about your decision. If necessary, speak to a therapist, friend or family member to become more clear about your feelings. This clarity will help you convey your thoughts to your spouse with confidence and honesty. 2. Choose the Right Time and Place Choose a time when you and your spouse are both calm and have time to talk. You want to be able to answer any questions that your spouse has and allow them to express their feelings and emotions. Choose a private location where you can have an open and honest conversation without interruptions. Make sure that there are no children around so that they don’t overhear anything by accident. You don’t want to explain what’s going on to your children until you’ve had time to talk it through with each other. 2. Be Honest and Direct Honesty is the cornerstone of a respectful conversation. Clearly express your thoughts, emotions, and reasons for wanting a divorce. Use I statements to convey your perspective, such as “I feel that we’ve come to a point where we can’t make our relationship better.” or “I want to make sure that our children are ok. 3. Listen to Your Spouse Allow your spouse to express their feelings and concerns. Show empathy and validate their feelings. You don’t have to agree with what they’re saying to empathize with them. Be open to their feedback and try to understand their point of view. 4. Avoid Blame and Criticism Focus on your own feelings and perspective, rather than blaming your spouse for the situation. Be mindful of your tone and don’t be unnecessarily hurtful or confrontational. Remember, your goal is to express yourself clearly, not cause unnecessary pain or escalate the situation. 5. Be Prepared for a Range of Emotions Understand that your spouse may react with surprise, anger, sadness or denial. Everyone processes things differently. Try to be patient and compassionate. Avoid being defensive and give your spouse the time they need to process the information. If you feel that the conversation is escalating into a negative place, let your spouse know that each of you should take some time to think and continue talking at a later time. 6. Consider Seeking Professional Support This conversation can be overwhelming for both you and your spouse. Consider speaking with a therapist or counselor who can guide you through the process and help facilitate productive communication. Having the conversation with your spouse that you want a divorce can be challenging, but by approaching it with honesty and directness, you can foster understanding and respect. Remember to be prepared, choose your words and tone carefully and actively listen to your spouse. Seek professional help if you need it. By approaching this conversation with integrity and compassion, you can pave the way for a more amicable and manageable transition for both you and your spouse.  Everyone talks about the negative impact of divorce. I never recommend divorce – it’s always a last resort. BUT there are positives that can come out of divorce. Here are five positives that can come out of divorce:
1. Finding yourself. When you’re in a dysfunctional marriage and especially when you have children, you may put your needs aside because you want to avoid conflict and you don’t have a lot of extra time. Some people don’t take care of themselves and stop doing the things that made them happy before they were married. When you go through divorce, you don’t need to think about your partner’s needs anymore and most people have more time to yourself without your children. It’s an opportunity to focus on yourself and really get to know yourself. It can result in a lot more happiness in your life! 2. Independence. When you’re married, each partner usually specializes in doing certain things for the family. You get to be good at those things. But when you’re divorcing, you can’t ask your partner to hang a picture or pay the bills. You have to start doing most things on your own. It’s amazing how good it can feel when you’ve accomplished something on your own that you never did before! You realize that you’re a lot more capable than you ever thought. 3. Peace. There isn’t a lot of peace in a home with an unhealthy marriage. Either there’s a lot of fighting or you’re distant from each other. There’s usually a lot of tension. When you move into separate homes, and you don’t have that tension, what most people say is that there’s a feeling of calm that they experience. That peace is a gift that’s so good for you and for your children. 4. You get to make all of the decisions. You don’t have to ask anyone if you can buy that couch or watch that tv show. I made my bedroom into a feminine, tranquil place that made me so happy. You can have that man cave that you always wanted or you can take that pottery making class. 5. Strength. Going through divorce is one of the most difficult things anyone can go through. Every day you get through is proof of how strong you are. When you’re through it, you can say to yourself, “Look what I went through. I can handle anything!” Even though divorce is a difficult experience and no one would choose that outcome to their marriage, there are positives that come out of it. It’s important to recognize the positives of finding yourself, independence, peace, getting to make decisions and strength. Focusing on the positives makes it easier to heal and move forward in your life. If you’d like to have support as you go through your divorce and be better equipped to move forward in your life, schedule a free consultation with Divorce Coach Jill here: https://go.divorcecoachjill.com/calendar  One of the hardest things to deal with is FEAR when you’re going through divorce. So many fears came up for me – fear about being alone, fear about being judged, fear about my kids being ok, fear of my financial well-being, and so many more.
I started my divorce with so much anxiety and fear. I think the biggest thought that I had to overcome was: Was I strong enough to handle divorce? Divorce requires strength. No matter what’s thrown at you, you have to figure out how to deal with it. Because so many things are being “thrown” at you – someone makes a judgmental comment, your STBX (soon-to-be-ex) sends a mean text, you get a letter from your STBX’s attorney, your STBX says something negative about you to your children, etc. Every week something can happen that emotionally triggers you. But every time you get to the end of the day and your kids are ok and you’ve done something constructive, it’s proof that you’re strong. You’ve ignored your STBX’s mean text, you’ve helped your children with their homework, you went for a walk, you completed a project at work – all show you that you can do this. One step at a time you’re getting through your divorce and that’s incredible. Take a deep breath. Repeat to yourself, “I’m strong and I can get through this. I’m going to be ok.” Know that:
Don’t settle for less. I know things are tough right now. But it will get better. You’ll get through this and you’ll be amazed at how strong you really are! |
AuthorJill Barnett Kaufman is a Divorce Coach, Therapist, Parent Educator and Divorce Mediator. She is an experienced professional who helps clients discover new ways to resolve a variety of challenges when considering divorce, starting the process of divorce or are already divorced. 
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