Divorce doesn’t have to be a drawn-out, expensive war where no one really wins. When emotions run high, it’s easy to get pulled into defensiveness, blame, or power struggles. But the smartest, most successful divorces don’t start with a fight, they start with a strategy. 

If you want to lower conflict, protect your peace, and still walk away with what matters most, you have to think like a negotiator, without emotion. Here’s how to divorce with strategy, not chaos.

Step 1: Know What Matters Most to You
Before you can negotiate smartly, you have to be crystal clear on your own priorities. Ask yourself:

• What do I want my life to look like post-divorce?
• What are my top 3 non-negotiables?
• What can I compromise on?
• What kind of co-parenting relationship do I want going forward?
• How do I want to feel when this is all over?
  
  

Getting clear on what matters most gives you a filter for every decision. You don’t need to “win” everything, you just need to get what’s important to you.

Step 2: Understand What Your STBX Wants
This is a game-changer. When you understand what your STBX values--really values—you can use that to craft solutions that work for both of you.Find out:

• What are they fighting for?
• What do they seem to care about the most—money? time with the kids? control? image? getting the divorce over quickly?
• Where are they most inflexible? Where do they seem open?

You can learn more by listening than by talking. Have a calm conversation with your stbx about what they want. Then you can use their priorities strategically.

Step 3: Look for Win-Win OpportunitiesOnce you know both sets of priorities, you can start identifying “trades”:

• Maybe you’re willing to give up a financial asset in exchange for more parenting time.
• Maybe they want to keep the house, and you want a clean financial break.
• Maybe they care about avoiding court or maintaining their public image—use that motivation to create momentum toward agreement.
  
  

This is where strategy shines: you offer things that don’t cost you as much but mean a lot to them—and in return, you get what truly matters to you.

Step 4: Choose Your Words Wisely
How you communicate can either calm the storm or pour gasoline on it. This is difficult when your emotions are raw and you’re angry, sad or hurt which most people are when they’re divorcing. So you need to get to a place where you can control your emotions so that you can communicate strategically.Strategic communication means:

• Staying calm and respectful, even when provoked.
• Focus on the present, don’t talk about the past.
• Speaking in facts and solutions, not emotions or blame and don’t get defensive.
• Saying “we” and “our kids” instead of “me” and “you.”
• Using neutral, business-like language.
• Avoiding inflammatory words like “always,” “never,” or “you should…”
  
  

If you lead with cooperation and respect, no matter how you’re feeling inside, they’re more likely to mirror it. Even if they don’t, you stay in control of the tone—and that’s a quiet kind of power.

Step 5: Take the Emotion Out of the Equation (When It Counts)
Of course you’re emotional. This is one of the hardest things you’ll ever go through. But strategy means choosing when and how to express emotion and when to stay cool.
That’s why having a support system (therapist, coach, friend) is essential. You need a safe place to process feelings so you don’t bring them into the negotiation room.When emotions run the show, things escalate. When strategy leads, resolution becomes possible.

Step 6: Don’t Be Afraid of Compromise—Be Smart About It
Compromise doesn’t mean losing. It means prioritizing.Let go of the idea that you need to “win” every point. Instead:

• Protect your must-haves.
  
• Let go of what doesn’t matter in the long run.
  
• Use concessions intentionally to build momentum and good faith.
  
  

This isn’t about being a pushover—it’s about playing the long game.

Strategy Is Your Superpower
You don’t need to have the loudest voice, the most aggressive attorney, or the biggest budget. You just need to be smart.When you:

• Know what you want,
  
  
• Understand what they want,
  
  
• Communicate intentionally, and
  
  
• Negotiate with clarity,

You can move through divorce with more confidence, less conflict, and far better outcomes. Strategy lets you protect your peace and your priorities. And that’s the real win.

Divorce can feel like the end of the world. The pain, uncertainty, and loss of the life you once knew can be overwhelming. You might feel like you’ve failed, like your future is uncertain, or like you’ll never feel whole again.

But here’s the truth: Divorce doesn’t have to be an ending—it can be a beginning.
Even though it may not feel like it right now, this difficult chapter can also an opportunity for growth, healing, and transformation.

1. Divorce Forces You to Rediscover Yourself
For years, you may have defined yourself as a spouse, and a parent, prioritizing your family’s needs over your own. Now, you have a chance to ask yourself:

• Who am I outside of this relationship?
• What do I truly want in life?
• What passions, interests, or dreams have I put on hold?

This is your opportunity to reconnect with yourself and build a life that reflects your values and desires—not someone else’s.

2. You Can Learn to Set Healthy Boundaries
If your marriage was filled with toxic patterns, manipulation, or emotional exhaustion, divorce can be your wake-up call. You get to:
✅ Recognize what you will and won’t tolerate in future relationships.
✅ Learn to say no without guilt.
✅ Prioritize your own well-being over pleasing others.
Setting boundaries is one an act of self-respect—and divorce is often the catalyst that teaches you just how necessary they are.

3. You Can Develop Emotional Strength & Resilience
There’s no sugarcoating it—divorce is painful. But pain also builds resilience. Every time you get through a tough day, navigate a co-parenting challenge, or push past self-doubt, you’re growing stronger.
What once felt impossible will one day feel like proof of your strength. You are learning how to:
💪 Cope with change and uncertainty.
💪 Face difficult emotions instead of running from them.
💪 Trust yourself to handle whatever life throws your way

4. You Have a Fresh Start (on Your Terms!)
Divorce is often seen as a failure, but it can be a fresh start. You can design your life the way you want:
✨ You get to create a home environment that feels peaceful and safe.
✨ You can rediscover hobbies, friendships, and experiences that bring you joy.
✨ You have the freedom to build relationships based on mutual respect and love.
This isn’t the end of your story—it’s a new chapter where you are the author.

5. You Become an Even Better Parent (If You Have Kids)
If you have children, divorce can feel even more overwhelming. But in many cases, it actually makes you a stronger, more present parent.
Your kids don’t just need a two-parent household—they need a happy, healthy parent who models self-respect, emotional regulation, and resilience.
By prioritizing your healing, you teach them:
🌱 How to navigate difficult emotions.
🌱 The importance of setting boundaries.
🌱 That happiness and self-worth are worth fighting for.
You are showing them that even after hard times, life goes on—and can even become better.

6. You Learn to Love Yourself Again
Perhaps the biggest opportunity for growth is self-love. Divorce forces you to be alone with yourself—and for many, that’s a scary thought. But it’s also a gift.
For the first time in a long time, you get to:
❤️ Prioritize your own needs and dreams.
❤️ Speak to yourself with kindness instead of criticism.
❤️ Realize that you are enough—just as you are.
Healing takes time, but every step you take is proof that you are rebuilding something stronger, healthier, and more fulfilling.

Final Thoughts: You Are Not Broken—You Are Becoming
​Right now, it may feel like your world is falling apart. But in time, you’ll look back and see that divorce was the thing that set you free. 
​
So take it one day at a time. Give yourself grace. And trust that this chapter, painful as it is, is leading you toward something better.

Divorce is an emotional rollercoaster that can leave you feeling hopeful one moment and devastated the next. Whether you initiated the divorce or not, the process can bring forth a whirlwind of emotions, from grief and anger to relief and happiness. Understanding these emotional shifts and learning how to navigate them can make the journey less overwhelming and more empowering.

The Emotional Highs and Lows of Divorce

Denial and Shock
The moment divorce becomes a reality, you may feel a sense of disbelief. Even if you saw it coming, when the end actually happens, it feels different. Accepting the end of a marriage is never easy. It may bring numbness, denial and an inability to process the situation fully.

What to do: Give yourself time. Allow yourself to feel the emotions as they come. Journaling and speaking with a trusted friend or therapist can help you process the initial shock. A support group is also really helpful so that you don't feel so isolated and alone.

Anger and Resentment
Once reality sets in, the anger may start. You might direct this anger at your ex, at yourself, or even at the world. Thoughts like “How could they do this to me?” or “Why did I waste so many years?” are common during this phase.

What to do: Find healthy outlets for your anger. Exercise, meditation, and even creative activities like painting or writing can be cathartic. Avoid lashing out, as acting on impulse can lead to regrets.

Sadness and Grief
Divorce is a loss, and with any loss comes grief. You’re not just mourning the relationship, but also the dreams, routines, and sense of security that came with it. You're also mourning the loss of time with your children, in-laws, your house and many other things. This phase can go on for a long time, with you feeling ok for a while and then being hit by waves of sadness unexpectedly.

What to do: Acknowledge your feelings rather than suppressing them. Seek support from friends, family, or a therapist. Self-care is crucial—sleep, nutrition, and physical activity can significantly impact emotional well-being.

Guilt and Regret
It’s natural to reflect on what went wrong and wonder if things could have been different. This can lead to self-blame or an overwhelming sense of regret, especially if children are involved.

What to do: Recognize that divorce is rarely one person’s fault. It takes two to make and break a marriage. Learn from the past, but don’t dwell on it. Forgive yourself and focus on growth.

Acceptance and Healing
Getting to acceptance takes time and work. Eventually, comes a sense of peace. You begin to accept the new reality, and the pain becomes more manageable. New opportunities start to emerge, and you may even feel hopeful about the future.

What to do: Embrace this stage and look ahead. Set new personal goals, rediscover hobbies, and cultivate positive relationships. Healing isn’t linear, so be patient with yourself if you sometimes have tough days.

Practical Ways to Cope with the Emotional Rollercoaster

• Seek Support – Don’t go through this alone. Lean on friends, family, or a support group.
• Prioritize Self-Care – Engage in activities that nourish your body and mind. Excercise, yoga, meditation are all incredibly helpful during difficult times.
• Set Boundaries – Limit contact with your ex or any person that impacts your healing.
• Focus on the Future – Shift your mindset from “what was” to “what can be.”
• Consider Professional Help – A therapist or a coach can provide invaluable guidance through this transition.

Final Thoughts
Divorce is one of the most difficult experiences anyone can go through and feeling all of the ups and downs is normal. But you will get through your divorce and will get to a better place. By acknowledging your feelings, seeking support, and taking proactive steps toward healing, you can emerge from this experience stronger and more resilient. You are not alone, and a new chapter awaits—one that you have the power to write on your own terms.

Navigating a divorce can be an overwhelming experience, filled with emotional, financial, logistical, and legal challenges. During this time, many people turn to professionals for support, but knowing whether to seek a therapist, a divorce coach, a financial professional or a divorce attorney can be confusing. While all play vital roles, they serve distinct purposes. Understanding the differences can help you make the best choice for your needs.
 
What Does a Therapist Do?
A therapist is a mental health professional trained to address emotional and psychological challenges. Therapists provide a safe space for individuals to process feelings, heal from trauma, and develop coping strategies. Therapists typically help clients understand their past experiences including their childhood and process their feelings associated with major life challenges.
 
Key Responsibilities of a Therapist:

1. Emotional Healing: Therapists help clients work through grief, anger, anxiety, and depression, all of which are common during divorce.
2. Mental Health Support: They can diagnose and treat mental health conditions, such as clinical depression or anxiety disorders.

• Long-Term Growth: Therapists focus on uncovering deeper patterns in behavior and relationships to promote long-term emotional well-being.

 
When to Seek a Therapist:
- You’re struggling with intense emotional pain or mental health issues.
- You want to explore past experiences or trauma that may be affecting your current situation.
- You’re looking for a long-term approach to personal growth and healing.
 
What Does a Divorce Coach Do?
A divorce coach is a professional who provides practical guidance and emotional support specifically related to the divorce process. Divorce coaches are present and future oriented. Unlike therapists, divorce coaches are not focused on mental health treatment but rather on helping clients navigate the logistical and emotional complexities of divorce.
 
Key Responsibilities of a Divorce Coach:

1. Goal-Oriented Guidance: They help clients clarify goals, such as preparing for custody negotiations or organizing financial documents.
2. Emotional Resilience: Divorce coaches offer strategies to manage stress and maintain focus during a chaotic time.
3. Decision-Making Support: They assist clients in making informed decisions about legal, financial, and co-parenting matters.

 
When to Seek a Divorce Coach:
- You’re feeling overwhelmed by the practical aspects of divorce.
- You need help creating a co-parenting plan or managing communication with your ex.
- You want a forward-focused approach to building a new life post-divorce.
 
What Does a Divorce Financial Professional Do?
A divorce financial professional helps clients understand, organize and prioritize their marital assets, income and liabilities. There are many different types of divorce financial professionals including a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA), a Certified Divorce Lending Professional (CDLP), a tax expert, a business evaluator, a forensic accountant and more.
 
Key Responsibilities of a Divorce Financial Professional:

1. Organize and Understand Finances
2. Develop Financial Settlement Proposals
3. Create Creative Solutions When Negotiations Are Stuck

 
When to Seek a Divorce Financial Professional:
-If your finances are complicated or confusing, a CDFA can help clients understand which documents they need to collect, create a budget, create a financial proposal and more.
-If you’re thinking about refinancing your home or purchasing a new home, a CDLP helps clients understand how to get funding for a home and can connect them to funding sources.
-If you have tax questions, a tax expert is helpful to answer your specific tax issues.
-If one of the spouses owns a business, clients can seek a business evaluator.
-If a spouse is concerned that their ex-partner is hiding money, a forensic accountant has tools to find hidden money to improve transparency in financial negotiations.
 
What Does a Divorce Attorney Do?
A divorce attorney helps clients understand the law. A divorce attorney typically isn’t a financial, parenting or mental health expert. An attorney is an expert on the law in a specific jurisdiction.
 
Key Responsibilities of a Divorce Attorney:

1. Child Custody Standards in your jurisdiction
2. Marital Assets, Alimony & Child Support – what you may be entitled to or may have to pay depending on your specific situation
3. Your Rights under the law.

 
When to Seek a Divorce Attorney:
-When you have any legal questions, including what is the process in your jurisdiction.
-If you and your soon-to-be-ex are in disagreement over child custody and/or finances.
-If you’re being physically or emotionally threatened or cut off from the children or finances.
 
Many people think a divorce attorney is the first and only professional you need when you’re going through divorce. Divorce attorneys are a very important part of the process, but you need to know when to use your divorce attorney. It depends on your specific situation and what you're not in agreement on with your soon-to-be-ex - finances, parenting or something else - seeking professional advice from the right divorce professional can save you from making costly mistakes in the long run.

Navigating finances during a divorce can be challenging, and if you suspect your spouse isn’t being completely transparent, it can make things more difficult. It’s essential to understand what tools and methods are available to uncover hidden income and assets. This guide will outline steps for identifying undisclosed financial resources and help you protect you so that you get your fair share in the divorce settlement.

1. Signs of Hidden Income and Assets

The first step is recognizing common indicators that your spouse isn’t disclosing everything. Here are some signs:

· Sudden changes in spending habits, like lavish purchases or unusual financial restraint.
· A noticeable reduction in household income without a corresponding decrease in work hours.
· Large or frequent ATM withdrawals.
· Claims of lost assets or lower income.
· Discrepancies between reported income and actual lifestyle.

If you notice any of these behaviors, it may be worth digging deeper into your spouse’s financial activities.

2. Collect Important Financial Documents

Start by gathering copies of financial documents from the past 5-7 years during your marriage. Having a thorough record can help reveal discrepancies or unusual activities. Key documents to collect include:

· Bank statements and account records for all known accounts.
· Credit card statements.
· Income tax returns (including any supporting documents like W-2s, 1099s, etc.).
· Pay stubs, bonus, and commission records.
· Investment portfolios, retirement accounts, and pension plans.
· Loan applications, mortgage documents, and deeds.
· Business ownership records, if applicable.

If you’re missing some records, contact your financial institutions to obtain copies. Regularly review these documents, focusing on large transfers, cash withdrawals, and any unusual transactions.

3. Analyze Tax Returns

Tax returns can be a goldmine of information. Certain line items can indicate additional income, such as interest, dividends, rental income, or capital gains from investment sales. Pay special attention to:

· Interest and Dividend Income: Hidden accounts may still earn interest or dividends, which will appear on tax returns.

· Schedule C: This section for self-employed individuals can reveal underreported income or write-offs for expenses that don’t align with your knowledge of their business.

· Schedule E: Income or loss from partnerships, rental properties, or trusts may indicate additional assets.


A forensic accountant or a tax professional can help you analyze tax returns for inconsistencies or red flags.

4. Monitor Your Spouse’s Business Dealings

If your spouse owns a business, it’s crucial to review business records, as businesses can be used to hide assets. Common tactics include:

· Underreporting revenue by claiming fake expenses or “loans.”

· Delaying income recognition until after the divorce.

· Overpaying vendors or employees, with the expectation of future reimbursements.

If you suspect business-related hidden assets, consider consulting a forensic accountant specializing in small business finances.

5. Use Professional Help: Forensic Accountants and Financial Advisors**

If you have strong suspicions but lack concrete evidence, hiring a forensic accountant can be an excellent investment. Forensic accountants specialize in tracing financial transactions and uncovering hidden assets. They are trained to find signs of hidden bank accounts, shell companies, and other means of concealing wealth.

Finding hidden income and assets during a divorce requires a systematic approach, and sometimes professional help. By arming yourself with knowledge and resources, you can ensure your fair share of marital assets. You don’t have to go through this alone. Reach out to me at [email protected] if you’d like recommendations for a forensic accountant or other professionals to help you understand your financial situation and to learn how best to protect yourself during this challenging time.

Your marriage may be a mess – your spouse treats you poorly, you’ve been through betrayal or maybe you don’t even like each other. But the thought of divorce is scary and navigating through the chaos and conflict that comes with divorce can be overwhelming. You may be worried about the impact of divorce on your children, how you’re going to support yourself and your children and how to go through the process without spending your savings on attorneys – all of these issues can paralyze people from taking steps to end a failing relationship. You’re not alone if the thought of getting divorced brings dread and fear but you can become fully prepared for whatever next step you decide to take. Here are some reasons not to fear divorce:

1. Divorce allows you to have a fresh start: While divorce is the end of a chapter, it also opens the doors to new beginnings. Embracing change can lead to the opportunity to create a life free from the struggles and negativity of the past.

2. It’s better for children to have 2 happy parents: Research has shown that staying in an unhappy marriage can have a negative effect on children. Choosing divorce over prolonged conflict can create a healthier environment for them to thrive in.

3. Pain is temporary: Although it seems like the pain of divorce is going to go on forever, it actually is temporary. Embracing the grieving process and allowing yourself the time and space to grieve can pave the way for healing and personal growth.

4. There can be love again: It’s not good to rush into another relationship. But after you’ve taken time to heal, you have the chance to rediscover what you truly desire in a partner. And if you’ve truly worked on yourself through therapy, journaling, support groups or whatever you’ve done to heal, you can find a fulfilling relationship.

5. People change: People evolve over time, and marriage vows made in the past may no longer align with your current wants and needs. It's okay to acknowledge this and seek a path that promotes happiness and fulfillment.

6. Happiness matters: Too many people stay in an unhappy marriage because they’re scared to divorce, they’re worried about what others think or they’re worried about their children. No one benefits if you’re unhappy in your marriage – not the kids and not either spouse. If you’re happier without the marriage, it will have a positive ripple effect on your family and others around you.

7. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks: The only person who matters is you. Try not to be impacted by what others think about your divorce is not your concern. Focus on your own needs, desires, and the well-being of your family.

8. You’re stronger than you think. People go through divorce every day. They are just as scared and overwhelmed as you. But each person finds the strength to get through the day, then the week and then the month. Before they know it, they’re through the process and divorced. I’ve helped hundreds of people get through divorce. I promise you can do this. Have faith in yourself and your ability to handle difficult things. I’m sure that you’ve dealt with difficult things in the past. How did you get through? Because you’re stronger than you realize! Keep telling yourself that and you’ll get through it one day at a time.

While fear of divorce is understandable, it doesn’t have to hold you back from seeking a healthier and more fulfilling life. Embrace the opportunity for a new beginning, and personal growth, and happiness that divorce can bring. Remember, you deserve to live a happy and complete life.

Divorce is one of the most emotionally difficult experiences a person can go through. It involves complicated legal and financial considerations, but feeling overwhelmed and lost is one of the most challenging parts of divorce. If you hire an attorney when you're in this volatile state, you can end up caught in costly legal battles which hurts everyone - both parents and children too.

Divorce is 80% emotional, 10% financial, and 10% legal. Addressing your emotional state before you start working with an attorney will help you make better decisions and protect your well-being and the well-being of your children as you go through the divorce process.

The Role of a Divorce Coach
Divorce coaches play a crucial role in guiding individuals through the emotional and practical parts of divorce. Unlike attorneys, who primarily focus on the legal aspects, divorce coaches will help you in a holistic way - by breaking down the process into manageable chunks so that you won't feel so lost and overwhelmed and can have emotional clarity that you need to make all of the important decisions that you need to make.

How a Divorce Coach Can Help
Here are some key ways an experienced divorce coach can assist individuals in navigating the divorce process:

Emotional Guidance: A divorce coach can provide tools and coping strategies so that you can manage your emotions so that you can have clarity and make informed decisions. A divorce coach helps you determine what your priorities are for your divorce and your life post-divorce. Divorce coaches empower you to make your own decisions as opposed to telling you what you're legally entitled to.

Practical Support: A divorce coach can walk you step-by-step through the divorce process, providing education on various options available, such as mediation, arbitration or collaborative divorce. This guidance can help you understand what approach aligns best with their needs and goals.

Conflict Resolution: Even in cases involving high-conflict individuals, a skilled divorce coach can provide tools to minimize conflict and manage challenging interactions effectively. A divorce coach who has experience with high-conflict divorce can help reduce tension and foster a more cooperative process.

Customized Solutions: Each divorce is unique, and a divorce coach can help individuals identify their priorities and develop creative solutions to meet their specific needs. This personalized approach ensures that individuals feel supported throughout the process.

The Importance of Experience
When seeking a divorce coach, it’s essential to look for someone with a strong educational background and extensive experience. A qualified divorce coach should possess credentials, not just having gone through their own divorce. Ask for testimonials and how long the coach has been working with people going through divorce.

Thriving Beyond Divorce
Ultimately, with the guidance of an experienced divorce coach, individuals can not only survive the divorce process but also thrive as they embark on the next chapter of their lives. By addressing the emotional complexities and providing support at every step, a knowledgeable divorce coach can help you make sound decisions, protect their emotional well-being, and pave the way for a brighter future for themselves and their children.

The role of an experienced divorce coach in providing emotional support, practical guidance, and customized solutions is instrumental in navigating the highly complicated landscape of divorce. By choosing a skilled divorce coach, you can get guidance towards a positive and fulfilling post-divorce journey.

​One of the most difficult things about divorce is living in the same house with someone who you’re divorcing. There are many reasons people stay in the same house – they can’t afford to move out, they want to be there for their children or their attorney has advised them to stay in their house. While it’s a difficult situation, there are strategies to lower conflict as you go through divorce and live in the same home. Here are some tips for living in the same house with your spouse when you're going through a divorce.

1. Keep communication civil

Your relationship with your spouse has changed. You don’t need to agree on everything and work through emotional issues. But you do need to be respectful – speak to each other in a respectful tone, say please and thank you, and let each other know what your schedules are. If you have children, the way that you interact can have a significant impact on your children. Avoid engaging in unnecessary arguments or confrontations, as this will only hurt your children and increase the stress for both parties. Instead, focus on maintaining a cordial and business-like approach when discussing matters related to the household, finances, or children (if applicable).

2. Establish clear boundaries

Communicate with your spouse about what each of your expectations are regarding living arrangements, shared spaces, and routines. Establish separate living areas within the home, if possible, to allow for privacy and independence. Schedule a time to communicate weekly to discuss things that are going well and things that need to be changed.

3. Create a temporary parenting plan

If you have children, establish a temporary parenting plan – when each parent will be responsible for the children. Even a partial plan is helpful. Here are some options:

• Alternate Friday to Monday every other weekend
  
• Week on, week off
  
• Monday &Tuesday nights with one parent, Wednesday & Thursday with the other parent
  
• Monday through Thursday with one parent and Friday through Monday with the other parent

4. Avoid talking about the past
Unless you can talk about the past without getting into fights, avoid talking about the past. Fighting about the past when you’re going through divorce is not going to accomplish anything. In general, it’s better to focus on the present and future, rather than the past.

5. Seek support from friends and family

Reach out for support from trusted friends and family members who can provide a listening ear, practical advice, or even temporary accommodations if needed. Having a supportive network to lean on can lower some of the stress and provide a safe outlet for processing your emotions.

6. Let go of anger

Feeling anger while you’re going through divorce is normal. However, holding on to anger for an extended period of time is not helpful.


Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
-Buddha


Writing down your feelings in a journal, writing a letter to the person you’re angry with (but not sending it) and not allowing yourself to focus on the person are all ways to let go of anger. Remember that you’re letting go of anger for you, not the other person.

7. Consider divorce mediation and/or counseling

If tensions continue to rise or conflicts become unmanageable, consider seeking professional help. Legal mediation and/or counseling can provide a safe and neutral space for both individuals to address their concerns and find constructive solutions. A mediator or counselor can facilitate communication, help manage disagreements, and assist with creating a more peaceful living environment until the divorce is finalized.


Self-care is crucial during this emotionally challenging time. Prioritize your physical, mental, and emotional well-being by engaging in activities that nourish your spirit. This may include exercise, practicing mindfulness or meditation, seeking therapy, journaling, or spending time in nature. By taking care of your own needs, you will be better equipped to cope with the stress of living in the same house during the divorce process.

You can navigate this transitional period with greater harmony. Remember to practice patience and self-compassion as you navigate these difficult circumstances, and know that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

​Making the decision to end a marriage is one of the most difficult decisions that anyone can make, especially when there are children involved. Many people go back and forth – thinking about divorce and then talking themselves out of it. The average person takes 7 years to make the decision to end their marriage.

There are good reasons not to divorce. Divorce is stressful, expensive and changes you and your children’s lives in a profound way. I always encourage my clients not to divorce, if possible. But while many people focus on the negative impact of divorce, there’s a negative impact to staying in a marriage if there’s a lot of fighting or one or both partners are unhappy. While good marriages go through ups and downs, there are important issues to be aware of to indicate if there’s real trouble in your marriage. Recognizing these warning signs is crucial for taking the necessary steps to either try to address the underlying problems or make the decision to divorce. Here are some common warning signs and what you can do about them.

1. Communication breakdown
Good communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship. When communication starts to break down, it can create distance and misunderstandings. Pay attention to warning signs such as constant arguments, defensiveness, ignoring each other, or difficulty in expressing feelings. If poor communication continues, anger and resentment can build up. But there are ways to improve communication such as enlisting the help of a couples’ therapist, joining a couples retreat or starting individual therapy. John Gottman has authored helpful books (such as The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work) and has developed many resources for couples who are struggling. If you’ve tried some of these techniques and it hasn’t helped or one of the partners isn’t willing to get help, that’s a sign that your marriage may be in trouble.

2. Lack of intimacy and connection
Intimacy and connection are essential aspects of a strong marriage. If you notice a prolonged decrease in physical intimacy, emotional closeness, or feel disconnected from your partner, it can be something to be concerned about. It may be difficult to talk about this with your partner. But it’s important to address this issue with your spouse openly and honestly. Consider scheduling dedicated quality time together, exploring new ways to connect, or seeking guidance from a therapist specializing in relationships and intimacy.

3. Loss of trust
Trust is extremely important in relationships. Infidelity, addiction and hiding important things from your partner impact trust in marriages. Although it’s difficult to regain trust after these experiences, many couples do. But it takes a ton of work. Rebuilding trust takes time and work from both partners. Patience, forgiveness and a commitment to rebuilding the relationship is key. But many couples are not able to forgive and move forward from infidelity or addiction.

4. Neglecting self-care and personal growth
A healthy marriage requires individuals who prioritize self-care and personal growth. This means that each partner must put aside their own needs to support the other at times. For example, if you need to work out or play an instrument or volunteer to feel emotionally healthy, your partner must understand and support that. If you or your partner neglect taking care of yourself, it can lead to resentment and dissatisfaction within the marriage.

5. Lack of shared goals and values
Shared goals and values provide a sense of purpose and direction in a marriage. Do you both want children? Is religion important to you? Do you want to be financially successful? Is it important to have down time and focus on experiencing life? If you’ve had conversations about your life goals and you can’t come to agreement, tension and conflict can develop. Consider engaging in couples counseling to determine if you can work through your differences.

Recognizing the warning signs in your marriage is the first step towards making the difficult decision to divorce. Many couples go through difficult times but if there’s a longer-term pattern of trouble in the marriage, it may be a warning sign that your marriage is in serious trouble. While no one wants to divorce, it may be a better option than staying in an unhealthy situation. Every situation is different. You can take other’s opinions into consideration but in the end, only you know what’s the best decision for you.

Whether or not it was your decision to divorce, the end of a marriage brings with it intense emotions. It’s hard to understand how it feels unless you’ve been through it. You’re grieving so many losses - the loss of your intact family, time with your children, your in-laws, friends, your home and more. However, healing is possible, and there are steps you can take to navigate the process. Here are some strategies to help you heal and emotionally recover when you're going through a divorce:
 
1. Allow yourself time to process your feelings
Give yourself time to process the feelings. Don’t make any important decisions or changes right away. Find a way to express your feelings that feels right to you. Therapy, a support group and journaling are all good options. Through acknowledging and processing your feelings, you can begin the healing process.
 
2. Seek support from loved ones
It’s crucial to surround yourself with a support system of friends and family. Reach out to those you trust and lean on them for emotional support. They can offer a listening ear, provide comfort, and remind you that you are not alone.
 
3. Take care of yourself physically and mentally
Divorce can take a toll on your overall well-being, so it's essential to focus on getting enough sleep, eating right, and exercising regularly. Try not to get stuck in negative patterns. Take a walk to get out of your environment and get a new perspective. Additionally, meditation can help you during this challenging time. The benefits of meditation include improved sleep, decreased stress and clear thinking.
 
4. Don’t rush your healing
Healing takes time, and it's important to remember that everyone's process is different. Give yourself permission to heal at your own pace. Avoid rushing into new relationships or making significant life decisions until you feel ready. Work on healing your past wounds, building your confidence and learning about yourself before moving forward. This includes exploring new hobbies, attend workshops or classes, and rediscovering your passions and interests.
 
5. Practice forgiveness and let go
Holding onto anger and bitterness can hinder your healing process. While it may be difficult, practicing forgiveness can be transformative. This doesn't mean forgetting or condoning the hurtful actions that occurred, but rather freeing yourself from the emotional burden and allowing yourself to move forward.
 
Rebuilding your life after divorce offers an opportunity for a fresh start. Envision what you want your future to look like. Set goals, explore new possibilities, and create a vision board or plan for the future. If you can embrace this chance to reinvent yourself, you can create a life that can be better than you’ve ever imagined!

If you’re having difficulty moving forward, reach out to Divorce Coach Jill at [email protected].
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​When a couple is going through divorce, two popular options often come up: collaborative divorce and mediation. While both approaches seek to avoid litigation or going to trial, mediation is a more effective and efficient way to resolve conflicts amicably. In this blog post, we will explore why mediation is recommended if possible over collaborative divorce.

Understanding Collaborative Divorce
Collaborative divorce involves each party having their own attorney and engaging in negotiations to reach a settlement. When you hire a collaborative attorney, they’ve agreed that if your case goes to court, they will not represent you and you’ll have to get another attorney if you go to trial. Therefore, collaborative attorneys are incentivized not to be as adversarial and to help you come to agreement without litigation. However, you’re still paying two attorneys to communicate with each other and with you which can result in significant attorney fees.

The Power of Mediation
Mediation, on the other hand, offers a structured and confidential process where a neutral third party (the mediator) works with the couple to reach an agreement. Here's why mediation is recommended versus collaborative divorce:

1. Neutral mediators
The mediator in a divorce mediation process does not advocate for either party. Their role is to facilitate productive discussions, provide information, and guide the couple towards mutually beneficial agreements. This neutrality reduces the chances of imbalances in power and ensures a fair and level playing field.

2. Cost-Effective:
Mediation typically costs less than collaborative divorce. With one neutral mediator rather than two attorneys, couples can save on legal fees and related expenses.

3. Greater Empowerment and Control:
In mediation, the couple retains greater control over their divorce settlement. Instead of relying on attorneys to negotiate on their behalf, couples actively participate in discussions and collaboratively make decisions that align with their unique circumstances.

4. Focus on Effective Communication:
Mediation encourages effective communication and problem-solving skills. Through guided discussions facilitated by the mediator, couples have the opportunity to address underlying issues, express their concerns, and develop strategies to avoid future conflicts. These valuable skills can have a long-lasting positive impact on co-parenting and future interactions.

5. Emphasis on Preserving Relationships:
Mediation enables the parties to work together as a unit which can maintain and preserve the relationship, especially important in cases involving ongoing co-parenting. Collaborative divorce, while aiming to reduce conflict, can still potentially strain relationships due to the involvement of attorneys.

Mediation is not suitable for every couple or every divorce situation. It is best for couples who are willing to work together, communicate openly, and share a commitment to reach a mutually beneficial resolution. It may not be recommended in cases where there is a high level of hostility, abuse, or an inability to negotiate in good faith.

While collaborative divorce may have originated as a strong alternative to traditional litigation, mediation has proven to be a better option for many couples looking to resolve their divorce conflicts amicably.

High conflict divorces can be emotionally charged and complex. Blamers and targets are terms used to describe certain behavioral patterns and roles that individuals may assume during a divorce, particularly in high-conflict situations:

Blamers:

• These individuals tend to externalize responsibility and blame others for the issues in the marriage or the divorce.
• Blamers may refuse to acknowledge their contribution to the problems and instead focus on criticizing or accusing their ex-partner.
• They often exhibit defensive behaviors, deny personal faults, and may use aggressive or confrontational communication styles.
• Blamers may also attempt to discredit the other party, make false accusations, or seek revenge.

Targets:

• Targets, on the other hand, often find themselves on the receiving end of blame, accusations, and hostility.
• They may feel overwhelmed, victimized, and unfairly treated by the blamer's behavior.
• Targets might exhibit more passive or defensive behavior, attempting to avoid conflict or placate the blamer to reduce tension.
• In some cases, targets might internalize the blame, feeling guilty or responsible for the problems in the marriage, even when it's unwarranted.

In a high-conflict divorce, these roles can make it challenging to achieve an amicable resolution. Here are a few insights on managing or addressing these dynamics:

1. Seek Professional Help:
Counseling, therapy, or mediation can provide a safe space to address underlying issues and help both parties communicate effectively. Not all therapists and mediators specialize in high conflict divorces so it’s important that you ask the professional what their experience is with high conflict people.

2. Establish Boundaries
Set clear boundaries with the high conflict person. Setting a boundary doesn’t mean telling the person what the boundary is because high conflict people won’t easily respect a boundary. You must follow up with a consequence when the person crosses over your boundary. Examples of issues to set boundaries on include limiting communication to specific topics or through specific channels, when and how children are transferred from one parent to the other and how you’re going to share payment for children’s expenses.

3. Prioritize your children’s well-being
Even if you’re extremely angry or hurt by their other parent, you need to put those feelings aside for the good of your children. Speak respectfully to your soon-to-be-ex (STBX) and avoid saying anything negative about them to your children. This can be extremely difficult because they may be provoking you. Co-parenting classes or counseling are options to become educated on how to communicate with each other.

4. Self-care and support
Both parties should prioritize self-care and seek support from friends, family, or support groups to manage the emotional toll of the divorce.


It's important to remember that every divorce situation is unique, and the dynamics between the individuals involved can vary significantly. Seek guidance from professionals who specialize in high-conflict divorces can be instrumental in navigating this challenging process.