One reason that divorce is so hard is because divorce has a stigma associated with it that other losses don’t have. When a spouse dies, what happens? Most likely the entire community comes out to support the widow or widower, setting up daily meals for them, dropping by with offers of help, hugs and thoughts and prayers. When a couple decides to divorce, there probably aren’t many offers of help. People may not know what to say or think that the person wants to be left alone. In some instances, the couple decide that they aren’t telling anyone possibly because they’re ashamed. This absence of support from the community is a key factor of why divorce is so difficult.
Because there is a stigma, there’s less awareness about the impact of divorce. Most people don’t truly understand what you are going through. Divorce is not just one loss, it comes with many losses. You lose your “intact family” – a mom, dad and children all together. You may lose time with your children. Any time away from your children is a loss and you feel it deeply. You also lose people – obviously your spouse/partner, your in-laws and possibly some friends. You may lose your financial security. You may also lose your place in your community or invitations to events that are only for couples. There are so many losses at once and the grief can run very deep.
Most of my clients are surprised at just how difficult divorce is. They didn’t think it would be easy but never expected it to be this hard. The strong emotions of sadness, anger, denial, shame, fear and guilt are surprising to them. They tell themselves, “You shouldn’t feel this way. You need to be able to handle this better.” A woman shared with me that she went through cancer and it wasn’t nearly as difficult as her divorce. A friend apologized when she was going through her divorce because she felt bad that she didn’t help me enough through my divorce. She said that she never dreamed it was this hard. It’s one of the most difficult things you can go through.
So how do you make it through your divorce? Get support!!! I can’t emphasize enough how important support is. Find an understanding friend, join a support group, find people who are going through divorce and can relate to you. I run a Facebook group - Separation and Divorce Support Community - which is a group of supportive people who are going through similar experiences. Get a therapist, divorce coach or other professional who can listen and guide you. The good news is you will get through it and when you do, you’ll realize how strong you are. Also, you’ll be empowered with your new life and all that you have to look forward to!
Jill Barnett Kaufman is a Divorce Coach, Therapist, Parent Educator and Divorce Mediator. She is an experienced professional who helps clients discover new ways to resolve a variety of challenges when considering divorce, starting the process of divorce or are already divorced.